Baby jokes
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, “She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife replies, “Change the damn diaper, you idiot.”
The doctor says, "Your wife is pregnant." The man says that he used a condom and the doctor says, "Yeah, but I didn't."
Why did Michael Jackson dangle his baby out the window?
He was airing his blanket.
What is more fun than throwing a baby off a cliff?
Catching it with a pitchfork.
Crispy, Juicy, Tender, I just put my new-born son in a blender.
POV: Someone stole Michael Jackson's baby: "He he stole my bab(y), he he."
What's better than seeing a baby swing around on a clothesline at 60km/h? Stopping it with a cricket bat.
How do you get 500 dead babies into a car?
A blender.
How do you get 500 dead babies out of a car?
A straw.
Have you heard about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.
What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
You take your boots off before jumping on a trampoline.
What does a freshly pregnant teen and her baby share?
They both think, "Mom's probably going to kill me."
Why can't orphans have babies?
Because they have no one to call daddy.
What was one phrase Michael Jackson said to a boy in his bed? Baby, be mine.
What did the Chinese girl say when she had a baby?
"Sum ting wong."
What is the difference between a baby and a canoe?
I would never put a canoe in my garage.
What is worse than a baby getting hanged in a tree?
That same baby getting hanged in multiple trees.
What’s green and orange and sits at the bottom of the swimming pool?
A baby with burst armbands.
My old platoon sergeant always told me the hardest thing when walking through a field of dead babies was... his cock.
Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10. He replied, "I still love Vista, baby."
Why did the United Nations stop the French government from using the guillotine in public?
Because the French government was using the guillotine on newborn babies for circumcision.