Baby jokes
Why are washers better than babies?
Washers don't cry when you put a load in them.
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, “She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife replies, “Change the damn diaper, you idiot.”
The doctor says, "Your wife is pregnant." The man says that he used a condom and the doctor says, "Yeah, but I didn't."
Why did Michael Jackson dangle his baby out the window?
He was airing his blanket.
Crispy, Juicy, Tender, I just put my new-born son in a blender.
POV: Someone stole Michael Jackson's baby: "He he stole my bab(y), he he."
How do you get 500 dead babies into a car?
A blender.
How do you get 500 dead babies out of a car?
A straw.
Have you heard about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.
What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
You take your boots off before jumping on a trampoline.
What did the Chinese girl say when she had a baby?
"Sum ting wong."
Why can't orphans have babies?
Because they have no one to call daddy.
What is the difference between a baby and a canoe?
I would never put a canoe in my garage.
What is worse than a baby getting hanged in a tree?
That same baby getting hanged in multiple trees.
What does a freshly pregnant teen and her baby share?
They both think, "Mom's probably going to kill me."
What was one phrase Michael Jackson said to a boy in his bed? Baby, be mine.
What’s green and orange and sits at the bottom of the swimming pool?
A baby with burst armbands.
My old platoon sergeant always told me the hardest thing when walking through a field of dead babies was... his cock.
Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10. He replied, "I still love Vista, baby."
Abortion is a really touchy subject for me. On one hand, there's dead babies! But on the other hand, women get a choice.
Why did the United Nations stop the French government from using the guillotine in public?
Because the French government was using the guillotine on newborn babies for circumcision.