Baby jokes

What do you call someone who kisses primary school kids?

Joshua Metcalfe

Gently throw a baby off a ten story building!

What's better than swinging a baby around on a rope?

Stopping it with a shovel.

What's worse than a baby in a trash can?

A baby in 10 trash cans.

Why won't Trump be subject to impeachment?

Answer: Because Republicans in Congress insist that every baby be brought to full term!

I like my women like I like my microwaves.

Hot, ready to go when I am, and able to kill any baby I put in her.

Babies can spread a nasty smell, especially when you haven't fed them for a month.

Yo mama is so nonverbal that she’s Boss Baby.

I always felt like a man trapped in a woman's body. But then I was born.

But in my defense, I was young then, and I had a womb without a view.

Well, good for you, I guess you moved on really easily. You found a new girl and it only took a couple weeks. Remember when you said that you wanted to give me the world? (Ah-ah-ah-ah) And good for you, I guess that you've been workin' on yourself. I guess that therapist I found for you, she really helped. Now you can be a better man for your brand new girl. Well, good for you, you look happy and healthy, not me. If you ever cared to ask. Good for you, you're doin' great out there without me, baby. God, I wish that I could do that. I've lost my mind, I've spent the night Cryin' on the floor of my bathroom. But you're so unaffected, I really don't get it. But I guess good for you.

Well, good for you, I guess you're gettin' everything you want (ah). You bought a new car and your career's really takin' off (ah). It's like we never even happened. Baby, what the fuck is up with that? (Ha) And good for you, it's like you never even met me. Remember when you swore to God I was the only Person who ever got you? Well, screw that and screw you. You will never have to hurt the way you know that I do. Well, good for you, you look happy and healthy, not me. If you ever cared to ask. Good for you, you're doin' great out there without me, baby. God, I wish that I could do that. I've lost my mind, I've spent the night Cryin' on the floor of my bathroom. But you're so unaffected, I really don't get it. But I guess good for you.

Ah-ah-ah-ah Ah-ah-ah-ah Maybe I'm too emotional But your apathy's like a wound in salt Maybe I'm too emotional Or maybe you never cared at all Maybe I'm too emotional Your apathy is like a wound in salt Maybe I'm too emotional Or maybe you never cared at all Well, good for you, you look happy and healthy, not me. If you ever cared to ask. Good for you, you're doin' great out there without me, baby. Like a damn sociopath. I've lost my mind, I've spent the night Cryin' on the floor of my bathroom. But you're so unaffected, I really don't get it. But I guess good for you.

Well, good for you, I guess you moved on really easily.

So.. err actually, don’t worry. I was gonna make a joke about dead babies, but I had to abort.

Q. What's the difference between a baby and a bale of straw?

A. I got arrested last time I speared a baby with a pitchfork.

My sister said I'm stupid and I'm a baby, and I said, "Oh, I didn't know we were talking about you."

What do you call a baby in a blender? A baby blender!

How did Mary get pregnant with baby Jesus?

God fucked her.

Noticing how wet and gentle the baby's mouth was on the bottle tip, this gave Uncle Willie an idea.

What’s the difference between a Ferrari and a sack of dead babies? I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

I have no dad, no milk, and no mom, so that means no tits, like if you can relate.

What did the 1.8 nanosecond old baby get for his birthday? Nailed to a puppy falling on a buzz saw being crushed in a hydraulic press while being set on fire.

Your mom shat you out after having Taco Bell. That’s why she calls you a little shat.