Baby jokes

How many brain cells does a pregnant blonde have?

Two, one for her and one for the baby.

What's the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling? One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler.

Mom, how were hoomans made? Son, it’s because Adam and Eve were brought down by God and made babies!

Dad, how were hoomans made? Son, us humans evolved from monkeys!

Mom, Dad said hoomans were evolved from monkeys, is that true? Oh son, (ruffles smol man’s hair) your dad was telling you his side of the family, and I was telling my side :)

What’s the difference between a hundred decapitated babies and a Ferrari? I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

What do babies and grenades have in common? They both make noise when you throw them.

Where's a cannibal's favorite place to eat?

Chili's, because they got them baby back ribs.

Sometimes, I think back on all the mistakes I've ever made.

Then I realize, "My daughter isn't THAT bad..."

Trying to make a baby talk is like trying to negotiate with North Korea.

what's the difference between an onion and a baby?

nobody cries when you cut up the baby.

So, this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well, the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road, he starts speeding. Eventually, he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, "Is my wife okay? She was carrying my child." The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes, "APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage."

I don't get this. Why is it I go to an orphanage and all of a sudden they said I used to be the cutest baby there?

What did the baby cow say to the mommy cow when he saw a hamburger?

"Mommy, is that Uncle Joe?"

Alabama.

Every time there's a family reunion, a baby is born 9 months later.

Little Johnny ran into the kitchen and asked his mother, "Mom, can little girls have babies?" His mom answered, "Of course not." A few minutes later, his mom heard him shout to his friend, "It's okay, we can keep playing!"

I got in big trouble the other day, though it was pretty unfair. Babies kick pregnant women all the time, and yet I got arrested anyways.

What's the difference between a sheet and a baby?

One of them is really loud when you iron it.

What do cannibals call newborn babies?

Fresh fruit.

I'm still not sure how I'm not in jail or have been fined for littering. When I was born, I was born in a hospital trash can, therefore making me a literal piece of trash. That being said, any time I'm out in public, I'm a piece of litter.

Why are washers better than babies?

Washers don't cry when you put a load in them.

So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”