Avoidance jokes
My dad brought me some sunglasses, but it still wasn't enough to keep my son out of my life.
What do Indian and Jewish people have in common?
They both avoid the showers at all times.
No, I don't want to fight, so I shall kill you (so we won't fight)!
A lot of things have changed since I got my girlfriend pregnant.
My name, my address, and my phone number.
Things you never want to do in jail:
- Never piss off an inmate. - Don’t start fights with the cops. - Don’t drop the soap. - Don’t run away from the cops.
There are two types of people, avoid them both.
If prostitution had a tax-exempt status, and if an adult bookstore had a tax-exempt status because of a glory hole, churches would have to do something else to keep their tax-exempt status to avoid the risk of going out of business.
The IRS hates when you don't have to pay your taxes with this one mind-blowing trick.
Crush: "How much do you love me?"
Me: "Well, look at the stars outside."
Crush: "But it's morning."
Me: "Exactly."
Let's make a joke on how depressing Monday is to ignore how depressing everyday is.
The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:
"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."
The commander starts answering:
"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"
"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"
"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"
After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:
"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"
My mom said to go do the dishes, but she did them before me, so I killed myself.
Why did the straight white caucasian male cross the road?
Because a black person was approaching.
Someone: Didn’t we already meet somewhere?
Me: Yeah. That’s why I don’t go there anymore.
Easy way to get away from rape is to become the rapist. All women need to carry a 12-inch dildo and a gun!
To avoid getting drafted, a young man slips into a nunnery to hide from some draft board agents who are after him. Desperate, he approaches a nun and asks her to hide him.
“Get under my robes,” says the nun. “No one will look for you there.” The nun lifts up her robes and the man says, “Hey, that’s a fine pair of legs you have there, sister.”
“Yeah, well if you look a bit higher you’ll see a fine set of balls,” replies the nun. “I didn't want to get drafted either.”
What is the one sauce Germans avoid on their steak?
"Ajous".
Remember, kids: the school shooter can't get you if YOU are the shooter.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because North Korea's long-range missiles can't reach that far.
Someone asked me why I'm still here... the answer is simple: I don't want to be used as a school assembly.