Assassination jokes
What category of music did JFK like?
You could say he was a metalhead.
What is the difference between the assassination of César and the assassination of Jesus?
They were both killed by Romans.
A hitman walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "I'm here to assassinate John Tucker." The bartender replies, "He’s in the restroom." The hitman goes inside the restroom and comes out after 1 hour.
The bartender asks him, "Did you kill him?" The hitman replies with a sad face, “I asked him any last wishes and the guy asked me to allow him to finish his shit as he is half way in passing his stools, so I gave him my word that I would wait and so I waited for an hour, and when I asked him what’s taking him so long, he says he will not be able to finish because he is just getting started.”
Q: What does Abraham Lincoln have in common with a poor quality pirated movie?
A: They were both shot in a theater.
Why were Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy very wise presidents?
They both had an open mind.
Why were people sad when John F. Kennedy got shot? All he got was head.
If Martin Luther King were white, what would they call him?
Alive.
How do you make any salad a Caesar salad?
Stab it 23 times!
Why was going through JFK's head when he was getting assassinated? A bullet.
No one:
Literally no one:
Abraham Lincoln: *dies*
John Wilkes Booth: *ranks up*
An assassin threatens a planet.
The planet remains calm.
The assassin: "Do you not realize the gravity of this situation?"
I was voting for Trump in the 2016 election. It's been a while since the last presidential assassination...
Caesar went to the future only to see how the Romans forgot Julius Caesar but only made a salad... I think it would have been better if Caesar stayed dead.
An assassin is about to shoot his target, "I'm about to give you the JFK experience."
I was hit on by President Kennedy, too bad I shot him down.
What was the last thing to go through JFK's mind?
A bullet.
What's a school shooter's favorite anime?
Assassination Classroom.
When Caesar’s wife told him she dreamed he should beware the Ides of March, he scoffed and said, “What? It’s not like I’m gonna be stabbed 23 times by my best buddies!”
Sometimes you just need to take a drive through the city to clear your head.
-JFK
The last thing that went through Abe Lincoln's head was a bullet.