Ares jokes
Little girls are like basic math. If they're under 13, you do them in your head.
Mommy, mommy! Are we drug dealers?
Shut up and cut the coke.
We were watching a 9/11 documentary in class and I said, "Man, they are really bad at Jenga!"
We all know the joke: Why is 6 scared of 7? Because 7 8 9.
But do you know why 9 is scared of 7?
Because you are supposed to eat 3 square meals a day (3 squared).
What kind of music do wind turbines like?
They are big, heavy metal fans!
WHO LET HIM HAVE A HORSE- (we are doomed yall..)
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.
At gym class today, my friend made this song:
🎵 I’m a Barbie girl, I am fantastic, my boobs are plastic!
Goats are like mushrooms.
If you shoot a cat, I'm scared of toasters.
Q: Why are Americans so good at Rubik's cubes?
A: 'Cause they have a history of separating colors.
Bully: How is your girlfriend?
Me: I don't have one!
Bully: I know!
Me: How are your parents?
*Walks out of orphanage*
I figure it's ok to hit orphans.
What are they gonna do? Go tell their parents?
Guys, there is no need to worry about anti-vaxxers. The more there are, the less there are.
On a scale from 1 to America, how free are you this weekend?
My pansexual son was asked to form a sentence with a word "Carry" on his zoom class earlier on today and he said "Pessi was carried by Iniesta and Neymar to his Mickey Mouse UCL". He received a standing ovation. Children are our hope and I'm proud of the education system!
A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him. Everyone else in the room stops to listen:
Man: Hello? Woman: Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes. Woman: I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman: I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man: How much? Woman: $90,000. Man: Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market... they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man: I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman: OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man: I love you to.
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
The man turns around and says: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
The north and south towers got into an argument.
The south tower said, "We will talk about this when we are on the ground."
Son: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
Dad: "Yes, we arson."
Why can't orphans watch PG movies? Because they are parental guidance.
Him: *slowly drives past elementary school while looking at kids*
Her: Why are you staring at those kids? *jokingly* Are you like a pedophile or something?
Him: ... At least you know why I love calling you "baby" now~
I knew the human race made mistakes, but you're the worst I've seen so far...