Ares jokes
You realize we are tolerating you, right?
Orphans are monkeys.
My son caught me masturbating. He asked me, "What are you doing?" and I said, "Don't worry, son, you'll be doing it soon." He asks, "Why is that?" and I said, "My arm's getting tired."
Me when my girlfriend comes home, I check her phone and there are 100 texts from a different guy asking her out, and her text says yes.
Get the whip, you're out!
One day my dog died because we couldn't find him. Then we got a cat on the same day. Then my cat went missing, and when I was crying, we heard our Asian neighbor was having a party. Then we went over and I saw my dog and cat on the grill, and they ate them in front of me, saying "yum yum doggy in my tummy and cat in my tummy as well."
Are you a gun, because I would be your bullets because I love going in children.
Are you a white van? Because I would love to put children in you.
Why are the Twin Towers mad?
Because they ordered a pepperoni pizza, and I got plane'd.
If you are a girl and your favorite movie as a kid was Mulan, they successfully made a man out of you.
Why are Indians so good at football?
Each time they get a corner, they open a shop.
Roses are red, violets are bl-- oh yeah, I'm bad at jokes.
Friend: Hi!
Me: Who are you?
Friend: ...your friend?
Me: What are you talking about? The doctor already said I couldn’t have any.
Q: Do you know why transgender people are good at being carpenters?
A: Because they have more experience cutting off their wood.
I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can also tell if they are standing.
Are you the Twin Towers?
Because I want to smash you.
Yo mama's so poor that when I was walking down the street, I saw her kicking the trash can, and I asked, "What are you doing?" She said, "I'm moving!"
My friend Josh made a joke about Liam's hairline, even though his ears are so big and his face looks like a monkey... if they were white.
Roses are red, violets are blue, she's only red bc she sucked you.
I hate it when I go to the shop and people are like, "Oh, hey what are you doing here?"
Me: "Oh, you know, just hunting elephants."
When your mama went to Sea World, the whales started singing, "We are family, even though you're fatter than me!"