Ares jokes
Some people are like a software update. When I see them I think, "Not now."
Why do pedophiles never win a race? Because they are always coming in a little behind.
A pedophile and a little boy are walking into the woods late at night. The little boy says, "I'm scared." The pedophile says, "You think you're scared? I have to walk back alone!"
Two fish are in a tank. One says, "You man the guns, I'll drive!"
Why are theaters popular among cows?
They enjoy watching moovies.
Why should you be wary of stairs? -- Because they are always up to something.
Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tail.
Two horses are standing in a field. "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse," says the first. "Moo!" says the second.
When do you know you are getting a good deal on a boat? -- When there's a sail on it.
Why are colds such bad robbers?
Because they're so easy to catch.
Why are mountains so funny? -- Because they are hill areas.
Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.
Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.
3.14% of sailors are pirates.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying? -- "Are you having a crisis?"
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.
9 out of 10 Americans are stupid... I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.
I think my coworkers are gay. -- Every time I walk by, they mumble, "What an ass."