Ares jokes
Grocery stores are like IKEA: you have to assemble the food yourself.
How are the faster readers in the world?
9/11 victims, they read 80 stories in 10 seconds.
What are they going to say about Tim Gunn in 20 years?
He kicked the bucket.
What's a snake's favorite subject?
Well, there are two: hisss-tory, but some prefer maths; those weirdos are adders.
Two guys are captured by native Chinese. They give them two choices: 1. Death. 2. 他妈的
The first guy: What's 他妈的?
The Chinese: Fucking.
The first guy chooses death.
Second guy to himself: Well, I'll let these sick fucks fuck me. At least I'll be alive...
The Chinese: Come on, we don't have all day.
Second guy: I choose 他妈的.
The Chinese: Ok, 他妈的 to the death!
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims, they went through 42 stories in 7 seconds.
Son, you are not precious, so pack your bags because someone else is going to adopt you.
Dad, what do you mean someone else will adopt me?
Son, you're adopted!
One man was very depressed because he lost everything. He lost his job. He lost his home, and he lost his wife. So he went lonely into the forest to grieve.
Suddenly, with his head raised up, he sees Santa Claus walking by. "Santa?" he asks. "Why are you early? It is not even Christmas?"
"Ho, ho. Don't worry about me. Let's worry about you instead," says Santa. "What is the problem, my friend?"
"I lost everything good in my life. I got fired from my job. My wife divorced me. I lost my house."
Santa: "I can help you. You can wish three things you want in life, and I'll give it to you."
Man: "My first wish is I want my house back."
Santa: "Done!"
Man: "My second wish is I want 1 million in cash in my bank account."
Santa: "Done!"
Man: "My third wish is I also want my job back!"
Santa: "Done, but before I actually give you those wishes, I have to hump you."
Man: "Okay. Let's do it."
So Santa Claus takes off his pants to hump the man.
After they are done humping, Santa asks the man: "How old are you?"
Man: "I am 35 years old."
Santa: "And still believe in Santa Claus??!! HOHOHOHO!!!"
There were two snakes slithering along when one snake said to the other snake, "Are we poisonous?" "Idk why?" The other snake responded, "'Cause I just bit my tongue!"
Donkeys are cool.
There are two types of faces:
The handsome one, but the wallet is ugly.
Then there is this personal face full of bumps, but even they lack a wallet.
Are you a waterfall?
'Cause I'm falling for you.
Girl: You are gay.
Boy: Who says I’m gay?
Girl: You ARE GAY!
Boy: You are lesbian.
Crowd: OhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhbhbhhhbhH
Pickup line: Are you the internet? 'Cause I feel a connection.
Are you a train? Because I want you to run over me. :)
Once there was a midget man jumping on a pothole saying 43, 43, 43. A kid walks up to the man and says, "Why are you saying 43, 43, 43?"
The man stops and looks at him, then he starts jumping again and says 43, 43, 43.
The kid asked him again and so on.
Then the man stops, opens the pothole, throws the kid in, closes it, and starts jumping and says 44, 44, 44!!!"
What are intelligent people in the US called?
"Tourist."
What did the boy banana say to the girl banana?
"Dang girl, you are so appealing!" 😙
What are fish not allowed to have?
Seaweed.
Are you a knife? Because damn, I want you inside of me ;)