Ares jokes

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Man

    • Two men are sitting at a coffee table.

    Mike: "I think I might have a drinking problem."

    Joe: "Why do you say that?"

    Mike: "Well, last week I got so drunk I blew chunks."

    Joe: "That's nothing to be ashamed of; we all drink a little too much sometimes."

    Mike: "No, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog's name."

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    Oven

    • Roses are red, eggs come in a dozen, do I need to revive Hitler to teach you how to use a goddamn oven?

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    • Moment

    • I will never forget the moment when my father saw me masturbating. He said, "Son, what are you doing? I'm on a video conference - get out of my office!"

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    Kurt Cobain

    • Kurt Cobain didn't mean to kill himself. He was just so high he thought the shotgun was a bong.

    His lyrics are so ironic but so true. "I'm not coming back". "I swear I don't have a gun."

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    • Priest

    • Two priests are pulled over by the police. One priest asks the cop what the reason for pulling them over is. The cop says, "We are looking for two child molesters." The priest look at each other and tell the cop they'll do it.

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    Church

    • A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

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    • Confession

    • An old man goes to a church and is making a confession:

    Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18-year-old."

    Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"

    Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."

    Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"

    Man: "I’m telling everybody!"

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    • Clothing

    • I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

    Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

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    Pub

    • Islamic pubs and bars are the worst.

    You can't drink alcohol or dance.

    Women can get stoned though, no questions asked.

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    • Neck

    • Hannes asks his mother, "Mom, why are the peanuts called peanuts?" Mom replies, "Because they grow in the earth." Hannes replies, "Then why don't strawberries grow in the earth?" Mom replies: "The giraffes originally had a short neck, but it has grown from giraffe to giraffe. The same thing happened with the strawberries. They grew in the earth and grew higher from harvest to harvest until at some point their stems protruded from the earth." Hannes replies, "Then why is my neck so short?" The mother replies: "So many people died in the First and Second World Wars that our necks could not develop at all. It was the same in the Thirty Years' War. We humans have been in so many wars. The giraffes in none and that's why our neck is so short."

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    Resolution

    • I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above.

    It's my New Year's resolution.

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