Appearance jokes

She's so ugly, she has to sneak up on a mirror.

Wife: "Honey? What do you think about my teeth?"

Husband: "They remind me of stars... yellow and far apart."

You want an insult? Right, look at the mirror.

You're so bald, I can see what's on your mind.

You're so bald, when you wear a turtleneck, you look like roll-on deodorant!

You're so bald, I rub your head to see into the future.

You're so bald, the Hair Club for Men has elected you president.

Your forehead is so big, Mr. Clean thought he would hire you!

Your hairline starts at the back of your head.

Your forehead is so big Mega Mind gets jealous.

"Little John, she is fat." How? He said, "Like a pig."

My wife called me ugly, and then when she found out how much money I actually make, she called me ugly and broke.

What do you call a guy with a bald head who loves to eat biscuits, raisins, and caster sugar?

Gary Baldy (Garibaldi)!

I used to have a girlfriend who would argue with me a lot for no reason. I look at her feet and say to her, "Here is £15, give yourself a foot pedicure, then come back to me. It clearly shows you have man feet. You are a woman; you should have woman feet. No wonder you boss me around too much as if you're the man of the house."

My girlfriend is so fat that when she runs or walks, she falls, so I am breaking up with you.

🙍🏼‍♀️Fat girlfriend: Nooo, don’t leave me, catch me, ahhh!

🙇🏼‍♀️Fat girlfriend falls on boyfriend: Ahhhhhh *dump*

🙇🏼‍♀️🙇🏼Fat girlfriend and boyfriend: Fat girlfriend: U didn’t catch me wawawawa. Boyfriend: Get off me, 900 pounds, ugh, I hate u!

Story done. Please like.

So, there's a black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican. They find a genie's lamp, they rub it, and poof! Appears the genie!

The genie goes to the black guy and asks, "What's your one wish?" The black guy goes, "I wish for me and all my people to be back in Africa, happy and everything." So poof! His wish is granted.

Then, the genie goes to the Mexican and asks, "What's your one wish?" The Mexican goes, "I wish for me and all my people to be in Mexico, happy and everything." So poof! His wish is granted.

Now, the genie goes over to the white guy and asks, "What's your one wish?" and the white guy asks, "You mean to tell me that all the black and Mexican people are out of America?" The genie replies, "Yes."

The white guy goes, "Then I'll have a Coke."

A bus full of ugly people is driving down the street. The bus crashes and everyone goes to heaven. They see Saint Peter, and he feels bad for them and grants them one wish before they go into heaven. The first one says, "I wish to be attractive." The second one says the same.

Meanwhile, the 3rd person in line is giggling and snickering and laughing while Saint Peter is granting wishes. Curiously, he asks why he is laughing. He says, "I was going to wish that they turned ugly again."

Dolls have wigs made of mohair, cancer patients have wigs of no hair.

I hate it when people think I'm a boy because of my short hair. I mean, what did you expect? I'm gay, of course, I have short hair.

Why did the octopus cry?

Because his mum said he looked like Johnny Depp.