I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?" I yelled, "I know the entire alphabet," and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person.
Have anyone seen my balls? I can't find them on my chest.
Hey! My balls are on your thing!
Has anyone alive ever died?
Is this our eternal life?
What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!
What’s better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson!
What did the the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business!
Read more: 100 of the funniest ever jokes and best one-liners
What does a baby computer call his father? Data!
What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!
Why did the golfer change his pants? Because he got a hole in one!
Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”
Why is death taken so lightly? Because anyone can take it.
I always keep anti-fungal spray with me... because I don't want to share my girlfriend with anyone.
I now know what my first tattoo should be, zebra stripes! Not like anyone would know the difference between them.
I was in class doing sex education. We were learning about sexual stereotypes.
My teacher turns to the class and asks, "If anyone could tell him what a sexual stereotype was?"
So I raised my hand and said, "Asians have small penis." He looked at me and said, "Very good, but I was looking for a definition."
Today I found out that my cat got hit by a car accident. Well, I guess I'm gonna play ninja fruits on my hands again. It's not like anyone will notice.
Thanks for the birthday wishes. It's been an odd one this year, as some of you know, my father suddenly passed away on my birthday last year, and anyone who knew the old man knew he had a sledgehammer wit!
Good on ya dad, ya definitely got the last laugh!
Anyone can do a Michael Jackson impression. All you need is a small boy who can keep a secret.
Little Johnny was told by his friend that if you go to your parents and say: "I know the truth," they give you money.
So Little Johnny says to his mum, "I know the truth," so his mum hands him 20 dollars and tells him not to tell anyone. So when Little Johnny’s dad gets home, Little Johnny says, "I know the truth." His dad hands him $50 and says not to tell anyone. So Little Johnny tries it on the postman and says, "I know the truth," and the postman says, "Come here, son."
Just 'cause I’m gay doesn’t mean I want you. I’m shocked anyone would.
After long consideration, I've decided to get a zebra tattoo on my wrist. Not like anyone will notice the difference.
Anyone want to fuck? Cause my sisters are such cunts!
I know this is supposed to be an emo joke, but does anyone want to play Rocket League?
I'm on PS4, by the way!
My name: Box3d_by_Clapped
As a fellow emo, I find these very rude and disrespectful. Please take off, or I'll tell Mom.
Also, if anyone knows any high bridges nearby, please tell me (I'm asking for a friend).
P.S. I have no friends.
anyone up for some fortnite?
Anyone else know that Hitler had only one testicle?
Maybe that's why he killed himself. Bro could never get any bitches!
Anyone want a free pizza? Because you liking a pizza with toppings that not many people enjoy allows you to eat the entire guilt free pizza, that they said they didn't want and everyone already offered you a slice of.
