Anyone

Anyone jokes

Man

    • A limbless man sat on the side of a lake every day. He had no hands or legs.

    One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay. He replied, "No."

    The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?"

    The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever."

    So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked.

    "No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before."

    The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?"

    The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."

    The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"

  • 6

    • Orphan

    • If you are going to bully anyone, then bully an orphan, because what are they going to do? Tell their parents?

    Account

    • If anyone's joke here says "burn in hell," I will mimic your account for the rest of your life.

  • 3

    • CPR

    • I was at a restaurant and a waitress yelled, "Does anyone know CPR?" I said, "I know the whole alphabet." Everyone laughed and laughed, well, everyone except one.

  • 1

    • CPR

    • I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?" I yelled, "I know the entire alphabet," and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person.

  • 1

    • Ted Danson

    • What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!

    What’s better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson!

    What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!

    I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

    What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business!

    What does a baby computer call his father? Data!

    What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!

    Why did the golfer change his pants? Because he got a hole in one!

    Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!

    How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

    I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”

  • 2

    • Tattoo

    • I now know what my first tattoo should be, zebra stripes! Not like anyone would know the difference between them.

  • 1

    • Stereotype

    • I was in class doing sex education. We were learning about sexual stereotypes.

    My teacher turns to the class and asks, "If anyone could tell him what a sexual stereotype was?"

    So I raised my hand and said, "Asians have small penis." He looked at me and said, "Very good, but I was looking for a definition."

  • 1

    • Accident

    • Today I found out that my cat got hit by a car accident. Well, I guess I'm gonna play ninja fruits on my hands again. It's not like anyone will notice.

    Father

    • Thanks for the birthday wishes. It's been an odd one this year, as some of you know, my father suddenly passed away on my birthday last year, and anyone who knew the old man knew he had a sledgehammer wit!

    Good on ya dad, ya definitely got the last laugh!

    Truth

    • Little Johnny was told by his friend that if you go to your parents and say: "I know the truth," they give you money.

    So Little Johnny says to his mum, "I know the truth," so his mum hands him 20 dollars and tells him not to tell anyone. So when Little Johnny’s dad gets home, Little Johnny says, "I know the truth." His dad hands him $50 and says not to tell anyone. So Little Johnny tries it on the postman and says, "I know the truth," and the postman says, "Come here, son."