ANS jokes
What is an orphan's favorite movie? Hint, not Home Alone. It's actually Batman, 'cause they are 50% the same as him.
What's an Indian's favorite drug?
Beans.
Just before lockdown began, a woman took her 15-year-old son Tom, and 14, 16, and 18-year-old daughters Sally, Mary, and Annie and went to the family cabin in the mountains to wait it out, while her husband stayed in town as an essential worker.
The weekly family Zoom call went well enough...until the 8th week when the father noticed the 14-year-old was looking a little...plump. By the 20th week, the 16-year-old’s shirt was starting to pull taut over her tummy, by the 25th the curve of the 18-year-old’s belly was rising over the edge of the table her laptop was perched on, and by the 30th week his wife and all 3 girls were very obviously 6 months pregnant, and the poor 14-year-old was so huge she was obviously having triplets.
So the father waited until he’d talked to his son and daughters, and asked if he could talk to his wife alone.
“Look, I know you and the girls are all pregnant. I’m not mad, I just want to know how it happened. We don’t have any neighbors up at the cabin, did you break quarantine and invite some hikers in, or go into town for supplies?”
She started crying. "No, Tommy's the father! I'm so sorry, I never meant for it to happen, but it's been so lonely here without you....I walked in on him jerking off and just couldn't help myself! And Annie's been missing her boyfriend at college, and it....it just sort of got out of hand."
"It's okay sweetheart, I forgive you. You've been isolated for months, up there."
She wiped her tears away. "I can't believe how understanding you're being about this. When we get home I'm making you the best steak and lobster you ever had! I know you aren't eating well, I was looking at the bills on Amazon Prime and saw you ordered a 45-pound pail of peanut butter!"
He looked down under the camera line, under his desk. He wasn't wearing pants, and the family dog was still licking his dick. "These things happen."
What is the difference between an American and a computer?
An American doesn’t have trouble shooting.
What does an orphan call a family photo taking a selfie?
If you don’t know the difference between their, there, and they’re, then you're an idiot.
What's an orphan's least favorite meme? "Family."
What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?
Apples get picked.
Technically, a human is hollow. We have an empty tube through us from the mouth and nose to the asshole and dick or pussy. We are basically tubes.
A penis has a sad life.
His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him up!
My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up. That little shit wants to be gunned down in an alley.
How are an orphan and baseball different from each other?
A baseball game has a home run.
Why don't churches have Wi-Fi?
They don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Gwen: Addison, I don't mean to be mean but you're really starting to be an asshole!
Addison: I don't know what you mean. I've always been an asshole. That is why people pound me in the asshole!
Kariah: That's sad!
Yo mama's so fat that every time she goes on an elevator, it goes down.
What do you call a cow who plays an instrument? -- A moosician.
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.
How much does a hipster weigh?
About an Instagram.
I made a website for orphans. Unfortunately, it doesn’t have a home page.
Why is it ok to hit an orphan? It’s not like they can tell their parents.
Why did the orphan go to church? So he had someone to call Father.
Why do orphans love boomerangs? Because they come back.
Why was the orphan so successful? When they told him go big or go home, he only had one option.
What’s the only advantage of being an orphan? Nobody makes jokes about yo mamma.
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?
You tell it to clap until his/her parents are back.