ANS jokes

Me: "What's the difference between an apple and an emo?"

Friend: "I don't know."

Me: An apple actually falls from the tree.

What's worse than having an honorary degree from Harvard? Being homeless and having an honorary degree from Harvard.

What do you call an orphan if every other orphan gets picked?

Someone: Ugly?

Me: No, trick question, they are still an orphan.

Why can't an orphan have milk?

His dad didn't come back with the milk.

What's red, green, and goes 90 miles an hour?

A frog in a blender.

What do you call an orphan taking a picture?

A family portrait.

If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then the lethal dose would be a lifetime supply.

Roses are red, violets are blue.

YOU HAVE AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE WAITING FOR YOU...

What do you call an acid with a bad attitude?

A-Mean-O-Acid.

What's the difference between an anal and oral thermometer?

The taste.

I was at an emotional wedding. The cake was in tiers.

What’s the best thing about dating an orphan?

You don’t need parental consent.

what's the worst thing to say to an emo?

if you don't succeed the first time, try try try again.

Why don't you fart in an Apple Store?

Because they don't have any Windows.

America once was known as an Obama nation. Now we're known as an abomination.

What is it called when Bill Cosby and an illegal immigrant fight?

Aliens vs. Predator

I was walking by a prison when I saw a midget in an orange jumpsuit climbing down the fence. When he hit the ground and sneered at me, I said, “Well, that’s a little condescending.”

What's the difference between a baby and an onion?

One cries when you peel its skin off, the other makes you cry when you peel its skin off.

A young man was crossing the road when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess." The man took the frog, smiled at it, and put it in his wallet.

The frog called out again, "If you kiss me and I turn into a princess, I will live with you for a week and do everything you want." The young man took the frog out, smiled, and put it back.

Then the frog called out, "Okay, okay! I will be with you and do whatever you want forever!" The young man laughed and put it back in his wallet.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is wrong with you? I'm offering to be a beautiful princess! Why won't you kiss me?"

The young man said, "Listen, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is pretty cool."

A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus and proudly claims the animal can play any musical instrument. The bartender pulls out a guitar from behind the bar and gives it to the octopus, which plays an amazing solo. Just then a Scotsman walks into the bar with a set of bagpipes. The octopus grabs the instrument and wrestles around with it on the ground, flailing about, making a horrible sound. The bartender says, "Hey, looks like he can't play that!" and the octopus says, "Play it? As soon as I get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck it!"