ANS jokes

What's a saying you shouldn't tell an epileptic?

Seize your moment.

How do you flatten curves?

With an abortion.

I'd say you were the spawn of Satan, but that would be an insult to Satan.

What do you call an orphan in a wheelchair running into fire? Hot Wheels.

I tried being an emo, but I never got the hang of it.

How do you blind an Irish woman?

You put a bottle of Scotch in front of her.

An old woman walks into an outdoor supplies store.

"I'd like an infrared gorilla," she says.

The clerk proceeds to give her an infrared gorilla from the back room.

"We've had hundreds of these things in the back for ages," exclaims the clerk. "You're the first person who's actually wanted one."

A boy is working on his English homework and asks his father for some help. "Dad, what's the difference between 'potential' and 'reality'?"

His dad replies, "I'll tell you what. Go ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks. Then go ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks. Once you have their answers, you'll know the difference."

So the boy goes to his mother and poses the question: "Would she sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks?"

She answers, "Don't tell your Dad, but yes, I certainly would!"

The boy then goes to his sister and asks her his next question: "Would she sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks?"

"Oh definitely!" she answers, without a moment's thought.

The boy goes back to his father, an expression of understanding on his face.

"You're right, Dad, I know the difference now. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks. In reality, we're living with a couple of sluts."

An Abo walks into a pub with a seagull on his shoulder. The barman asks, "Where did you find that?" The seagull replied, "At the tip, mate, there are lots there."

Bro, why are you making an avalanche by that big forehead? No wonder why snow was found on Mars.

How do you tell an Indian person from a Muslim?

Are you 7/11 or 9/11?

Roses are red, Lemons are sour; Lift your skirt up and give me an hour.

I saw an advertisement for colored pens and how they write. They take a blue pen and write "blue," a yellow pen and write "yellow." I was inspired too.

I took a pen, filled it with my blood, and wrote "AIDS."

Hi, my name is Meer Adnan Hussain. I am a Muslim. I live in Karachi, an area of Pakistan. I want this job. I am interested in this work. Please take me in this work. Your porn star, Meer Adnan Hussain. Wait for your email. Okay.

What do you say to an upset Down syndrome person?

I'd ask what's up, but it's definitely not you!

I regret my abortion.

I didn’t know child labor was an option.

I got fired from my paramedic job on the first day. I told an eight-year-old who lost his leg in a car accident to "walk it off."

Why should you always give an emo a high five in the hallway? You can’t leave them hanging.

How do you tell an Indian person from a Muslim?

Are you 7/11 or 9/11?

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A can't opener.