ANS jokes
Where is an elephant’s penis?
On their feet, because if you get trampled on, you’re fucked.
What happens when an emo kid loses a Kahoot? He gets a 25 kill streak.
What's the difference between an ISIS training center and a school?
I don't know, I just fly the drone.
An 80-year-old blind man asks his grandson, "Can you grab my glasses?"
Then the grandson says, "Did you get in the flour again?"
Grandpa said, "No, it was the weed."
What's the difference between an onion and a baby?
One makes you cry when you cut it up.
What do you get when an American talks to an Aussie and a Kiwi?
Two Aussie.
If the broccoli said, "I look like a tree," then what did the mushroom say?
"I look like an umbrella."
Q: What's the difference between an egg and me?
A: An egg gets laid.
Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."
The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."
The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"
Just watched an upsetting video. Please retweet. #Stop The Make-A-Wish Foundation.
What's the difference between Paul Walker and a PC?
When my PC crashes, I actually give a fuck.
Why did little Billy drop his ice cream?
He was hit by an ice cream truck.
An apple a day can do so much more than keep the doctor away... it can keep ANYONE away.
if you throw it hard enough.
Q. What did Hitler give his niece for her birthday?
A. An easy bake oven.
“What happens to an Asian man when he runs into a brick wall with an erection?”
“A broken nose.”
"What happens when an Asian man runs into a brick wall?"
"A broken nose."
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
Why can’t an orphan play baseball?
Because he doesn’t know where home is.
Mom said dad had the best pullout game... now I'm an uncle.