ANS jokes
"Luck of the Irish my ass, I just blew a tranny and an engine in my truck both in the same week... Boy it really ruined my day when they found out about each other."
What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One of them you'll see in a while, and the other one you'll see later.
Paddy's beautiful wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 years they have been married.
The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex, and a cool breeze may help.
Being a bit of a cheapo, he decides not to buy a fan but asks his friend Mick to waft a towel over them during the act.
After half an hour, still no sign of success, so his mate suggests swapping places. "I'll have a try, Paddy, you waft the towel."
Paddy agrees, and after two or three minutes, Paddy's wife has a moment of sexual pleasure, screaming in ecstasy for the first time in 15 years.
Paddy taps his mate Mick on the shoulder and says, "And that, Mick, is how you waft a bloody towel!"
An Irishman walked past a bar.
What does a blowjob from an 80-year-old and bungee jumps have in common?
You feel the rush, but don't look down.
What do the names Alan and Jordan have in common?
An.
How would you best describe prostate cancer?
Well, it is somewhere between a dick and an asshole!
Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
What do women have on an empty stomach? A miscarriage.
A man gets an email from his doctor.
"Sorry for the delay on getting your prescription, it'll be at your house tomorrow."
The man thinks to himself, "Oh shit! Then what have I been taking?"
A man needs to leave for a lengthy business trip, but his wife is saddened by this. She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine.
He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special. The cashier quietly pulls out an old box and removes a wooden penis from inside. The cashier states that the dildo has been passed down in his family for generations and was crafted by a witch deep within the Amazon jungle. The cashier sits up in his chair and shouts, “Voodoo Dick, the door!”
The wooden penis flies across the room and begins to rapidly thrust itself in and out of the front door keyhole. “Voodoo Dick, the lamp!” The wooden penis flies up inside of the lamp on the cashier’s desk and, once again, begins to thrust in and out. “Voodoo Dick, return to your box!” The wooden penis flies back into the box, and the cashier closes the lid.
The man chooses to buy the wooden penis, and just as he is about to leave, the cashier tells him a very important bit of information regarding the Voodoo Dick: “The cursed dildo can only be controlled through verbal commands, it is far too powerful to be moved by hand,” says the cashier. “You must never forget that!”
The man nods and heads home.
Later that day, the man explains to his wife how the sex toy works, and then leaves for his trip.
A few days later, the wife becomes very horny and opens up the box. She proceeds to shout, “Voodoo Dick, my pussy!” The dildo zooms into her vagina and pleasures her for roughly 6-8 hours. She soon begins to grow tired and attempts to pull the dildo out of her. She pulls as hard as she can but just can’t get it out. The wife panics and begins driving to the hospital with the wooden penis still inside of her vagina. A police officer pulls her over for speeding and asks to see some identification. The wife exclaims, “Help, help, there is a Voodoo Dick inside of my vagina and it won’t come out!”
The officer raises an eyebrow in disbelief.
“Voodoo Dick my ass, bitch.”
What's the difference between putting a baby and a pizza in an oven?
The pizza doesn't scream in the oven.
How do you know you’ve been robbed by an Asian?
The house is clean, the homework is done, but the idiot is having trouble backing out of the driveway.
I can tell you an airplane joke, but it will probably fly over your head.
What is Batman's favorite food?
Justice.
Girls are like a bus; you might miss the first bus and catch the second bus.
Things you never want to do in jail:
- Never piss off an inmate. - Don’t start fights with the cops. - Don’t drop the soap. - Don’t run away from the cops.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an altar boy.
So an orphan was crying in a corner in the dark. Then a man came over and asked, "Why are you crying?"
Then said, "Do you want me to get your parents?"
What do you call a smart egg? An egghead.
That was an egg-cellent joke!