ANS jokes
I saw a person raping a woman in an alleyway. I decided to help...she doesn't stand a chance between us.
What do you call an octopus with a hat?
An octopus with a hat, of course.
I love how all these jokes about different accidents have happened, but why isn't anyone writing about how much of an accident we all were?
What do you call an obese man with bipolar? Twins.
Why should you never fart in an Apple store?
Because they have no Windows!
Do you want to know why they call it an orphanage? Because they couldn't call it orphans home.
I can’t hang out with an emo when they are sad? Why? Because it cuts deeply.
What do you call a bunch of white people in an elevator?
A box of crackers.
Two atom soldiers are fighting against an army. One gets shot. He cried out, "I'm hit! I think I've lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" asks the other.
"I'm positive!"
Stephen Hawking's death was simply an accident. He pressed power off instead of sleep mode.
I didn’t know if she was anorexic or not, so I tossed her an onion ring to see if she would eat it or use it as a hula hoop.
"Dustin Jordan Manna should have been an abortion."
What if you put a scared homosexual guy and an angry homophobic guy inside a stable?
Hmm, let's see, if the homosexual guy has some good luck, maybe he will meet a super unicorn and help him out to defeat the angry homophobic guy :D
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
Brian was shopping at a mall. He hopped onto an escalator. Next to him were two people having an argument. Eventually, one of them pulled out a pocket knife threatening to stab the other. Brian murmured "Well, that escalated quickly..."
If drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking Fanta make you fantastic?
There's an old lady doing gardening every year. Nothing grows. She goes to the man who lives next door. She says, "How do you get your tomatoes so big and red?" He tells her, "You show them your privates at night time." So she leaves. That night later, she goes outside and shows the garden her privates. The next day she's got zucchinis a meter long!
A 90 year old man takes a Viagra.
Strips off naked, lies down in an alley way. Three chicks walk on by: a blond, a brunette, and a red head.
The red head said, "I'm not letting that go to waste," so she strips off and rides him. When she's finished,
The brunette then strips off naked and rides him. The blond's now worried because she just got her period. The red head sez, "He's dead. Don't let it go to waste," so she strips off naked and rides him. Then he wakes up. He then says, "Wow, two jump starts and a blood transfusion. I'm good to go!"
Look at your left hand, now look at your right hand, and tell yourself, "Which hand do you cheat with?"
Wanking.
What's a similarity between your best friend and a tree?
They both fall over when you hit them with an axe.