ANS jokes

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

A student got a bad letter grade, so the next day he came back with his own letter grade in his backpack: an A-K47.

Why is the sun red today?

The sun turned red today. Here's why. As an enormous Atlantic storm batters Ireland, a related phenomenon is turning heads further east over in the United Kingdom. ... Just like the way sunsets are sometimes red, excess particles in the atmosphere can change the color of the sun in the daytime.

Don't let an extra chromosome keep you down!

A 14 year old girl was walking back home late at night, then a man was following her. An hour later, she got back home not only had she lost the stranger, but also her virginity.

What's the difference between a grape and an elephant?

I don't know, what?

They are both purple except for the elephant.

There once was a bear and a rabbit, and they hated each other.

The bear and rabbit then stumbled upon a mystical talking tree. The tree said: “I can give you 3 wishes each if you will stop fighting!”

So the bear went first. “I wish all the bears inside the forest are ladies.” And all the bears within the forest became females.

The rabbit said: “I wish I had a helmet.” Rabbit gets the helmet, and the bear looks at him funny.

The bear wishes: “I wish all the bears in the United States are ladies.” The wish was granted.

The rabbit says, “I wish I’ve a bike.” By this point, the bear thinks the rabbit is the stupidest thing he’s ever seen. The rabbit could wish for cash and have all the bikes in the world.

The bear says: “I wish all the bears inside the world are women.” The wish is granted.

While it’s the rabbit’s turn to wish, he puts on his helmet, gets on his bike, and says: “I wish that bear is gay.”

Man, don't you hate it when you hit a speed bump by an orphanage but then realize there's no speed bumps here...

An older retired couple - the wife had grown tired of her husband farting in bed each night. One morning she put some chicken parts under the blankets in bed next to him and went off to make some coffee.

A few minutes later she hears a loud fart followed by a blood curdling scream. He comes out after a while and says, "Hon, you were right that I would fart my guts out. Took me the longest to put them back in."

What do you get when you have an annoying kid, a homicidal kid, and a suicidal kid in the same room? A happy ending.

What's the difference between an ISIS militant base and a Pakistani children's school?

I don't know, I just fly the drone.

Where is an elephant’s penis?

On their feet, because if you get trampled on, you’re fucked.

What happens when an emo kid loses a Kahoot? He gets a 25 kill streak.

What's the difference between an ISIS training center and a school?

I don't know, I just fly the drone.

An 80-year-old blind man asks his grandson, "Can you grab my glasses?"

Then the grandson says, "Did you get in the flour again?"

Grandpa said, "No, it was the weed."

What's the difference between an onion and a baby?

One makes you cry when you cut it up.

What do you get when an American talks to an Aussie and a Kiwi?

Two Aussie.

If the broccoli said, "I look like a tree," then what did the mushroom say?

"I look like an umbrella."

Q: What's the difference between an egg and me?

A: An egg gets laid.

Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."

The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."

The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"