ANS jokes
A 23 year old priest walks into a high school with an automatic weapon. He tells those who believe in God to stand up and leave.
To the children who don't leave, he says, "Do not worry my children, I shall make thou 'hole-y' as well."
He then proceeds to shoot all of the students left.
Why don't you fart in an Apple Store?
Because they don't have any Windows.
What's the difference between you and Hitler? At least he knows how to use an oven.
I used to be an adventurer like you, then I took a dick in the ass.
I told a joke to an orphan, turns out he wasn't an orphan...
How many times does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Tentacles!
A lady weightlifter goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have a confession." The doctor asks, "What is that?" She replies, "I've been using steroids and....I think I've grown a penis." The doctor looks at her and asks, "Anabolic?" There's an awkward silence then she replies, "No, just a penis."
Mom: You need to grow up. You're so immature.
Me: *glares* Get out of my castle....
Mom: It's a pillow fort.
Me: Why can't I have an imagination! ?
Mom: You're almost 19 years old.
Me: Not good enough... OUT!
What's the difference between an aborted fetus and an upside-down bar stool?
An upside-down bar stool can only pleasure 4 men.
What do you say after you throw an egg at someone? "Yolks on you!"
My favorite toast for parties:
May I be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows I'm dead.
How do you think the unthinkable? With an iceberg.
How can you tell an anti-vaccine kid?
It's only got 10 hours to live.
Yo mama so fat when she asked for a bathtub, they put a blanket over an ocean!
How does an apple fall from a tree?
I don't know, ask Sir Isaac Newton!
What does an apple and a gay person have in common?
Both fruits hang in trees out in the Middle East.
A guy in a Costco was pretty pissed off at something. A guy walks up to him and says, "What's wrong, pal? Don't worry, it's not like you're on an abandoned aisle!"
What do you call a flying octopus?
An octocopter! 🚁
Why did the ox get kicked out of the herd?
Because it wasn't being an ox, it was being a butt-ox...!
if an atom makes up everything im still suprised how it made ur mom