What do you call an octopus with a hat?
An octopus with a hat, of course.
How many dead kittens does it take to clog a pool filter? Seven when I tried!
What’s the difference between a teenage girl and a cat? One’s a psycho and the other is a cat.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I've ever seen.
A bicurious man goes to a gay bar.
A gay man offers him a drink.
The bi man explains he doesn't know if he's gay or not.
"That's fine," he says, "let's just have a drink."
The gay man asks him for a dance, and he explains again he isn't sure if he's gay or not.
Eventually, the gay man invites him to go home with him to hang out as friends.
They get to his house, and the gay man says, "Do you fancy having sex?"
He isn't sure, so the gay man explains, "I'll push in slow, and at any point you want to stop, make animal sounds, and if you like it, start singing."
So they get to it, and the gay man pushes in slowly, the bi man bursts out "MOOOOO MOOOOO MOOOOOOVVVEE CCLOSSEEERRRR"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It didn't, I hit it with my car 3 blocks down.
What did one bear reply to his bad pun?
"Bear with me!"
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Because chickens are mindless creatures and do not know any better.
What camel has 3 humps?
...A pregnant one.
There was a dog in the middle of the room, so I called it and started to play fetch. Then my mother shouted at me for playing with my food. I missed it, but it was tasty.
If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
We were at a restaurant today, and my dad was talking about a place called Sea Ranch.
I asked, "What do they raise there? Sea horses?"
Why did the octopus cry?
Because his mum said he looked like Johnny Depp.
I adopted a dog. It's gone now.
At least homeless people in China are not starving.
What do you call a retarded duck?
Fuck duck and lick my balls.
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before, what can I get you?" "Pop," goes the weasel.
I lick cows for my mother.
Why did the cat cross the road?
To die.
How do you make a cat go "woof"?
... douse it in gasoline and set it on fire! "woof!"
Monkey: What ya doing?
Other monkey: Just you know, "hanging around."
Bad joke, right? I just can't think of something amazing. It's like my brain is "hanging."
