Animal jokes
I walked up to a cat and started to sing a song. The cat said, "HECK NO!" then ran off. I follow it while still singing "BABY COME HOME TO ME!!"
What has 4 legs, then 3 legs, then 2 legs, then 1 leg, then no legs?
A baby you cut one off each time.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
8 jelly tickles!
How many tickles does it take for an octopus to laugh?
Why did the Chicken cross the road? You: Why? To get to the little b***h's house!
Knock knock! You: Who's there? The chicken!
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over, Rover took over, and gave her a bone of his own.
What do you call a flying skunk?
A smelicopter.
Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo - u
What do you get when you cross a pig with a dinosaur?
Jurassic Park.
Two drunk men spot a pig on some old farmer's land.
And they were real hungry (or so they said), and they both decided to take the pig with them into their car and eat it somewhere.
And so they did, and the farmer came out with a gun while they hurriedly drove off, and the farmer said, "Well goddammit, if it was a pig they wanted, why didn't they just take my wife?"
What did the cow jump over?
The Moon.
What do you call a cow?
A cow!
A man takes his dog out and steps in shit. He exclaims "WHAT THE DEUCE!"
Two cows standing in a paddock, one says, "Moo." The other turns to him and says, "I was just going to say that!"
I went on a date last night and told my date I worked with animals every day.
She said, "Oh, how sweet. What do you do?" I said, "I'm a butcher."
My aunt's star sign was Cancer, so it's pretty ironic how she died...
She was eaten by a giant crab.
My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.
She went mad, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
I had to give up my vegetarian diet.
Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.
See you later, crocodile.
In a while, pedophile.
Why did the man sit on his porch and bark at the postman when he came?
Because his dog had a sore throat!