Ani Jokes

Once my girlfriend asked me to give her lipstick, and I accidentally gave her the glue stick.

She won't talk to me anymore.

So I ran into my specialist doctor, and he said, "Pick a star sign, any star sign." So I said, "Capricorn," and he said, "Nah, you got cancer."

Why did Sally fall off the swing?

She didn't have any arms.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Not Sally.

Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she didn’t have any arms.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Not Sally.

Why aren't there any stray cats in Chinatown?

There are, but they're just listed as "pork" on the menus.

my friend tbh

A person in a white shirt and a blue scarf waving their wet hands around to dry them, with the text: "When you need to dry your hands and there aren't any towels left."

Ex-Boyfriend: You have no ass, so we're through!

Me: Stop being a dickhead, dude!! It ain't gonna make your little sausage any bigger!

EU Delegate: "Sir, your country has the highest corruption and crime rate out of any other member nations. What do you have to say?"

Ambassador: *tries slipping the delegate 40 Euros* "You didn't see any statistics."

What did one squirrel say to the other? "Do you have any nuts?"

"Hi, Mrs. Jackson, can Matt come out and play?"

"Oh, Johnny, you know Matt doesn't have any arms or legs."

"I know, we just wanted to use him as third base."

Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?

Because they don’t have any pockets.

In my locality, there was an orphanage but everybody in the locality was really sexist too, so they had to change the orphanage into a brothel 'cause everybody took the boys away and nobody was taking the girls and the manager didn't want to waste any 14-year-old pussy, did he?

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.

A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.

"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.

"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.

"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."

Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:

"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"

Christopher and Tony were tempted for a beer, but they only had 2 dollars each.

Christopher got an idea and ran away to the butcher to see if he could get something good. He came back with a sausage. So they went to a pub and ordered 2 beers and 2 whiskeys.

"Are you crazy?!" said Tony to Christopher. "We don't have any money!"

"Take it easy now," said Christopher. "I have a plan."

When they finished drinking everything up, Christopher put the sausage through his own zipper and begged Tony to bend on his knees and take the sausage with his mouth.

The bartender saw what they did and threw them out without even paying. So Christopher and Tony kept doing the same thing pub after pub after pub.

After the 10th pub, Tony said: "I can't do this anymore. I am drunk, and my knees are in too much pain to even handle the walk."

"How do you think I feel?" said Christopher, exhausted. "I dropped the sausage in the 3rd pub!"