And jokes

When you turn off all the annoying beeping things in the hospital, and everyone starts sleeping better.

I believe in a woman's right to choose...

...whether she wants to cook first and then clean or clean first and then cook.

Dad and Mom: -takes one look at Child-

Dad and Mom: "We don't want him."

Orphan: And I took that, personally.

What's the difference between my wife and a battery? I can't use a battery when it dies.

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

What is red and very rare?

A child in a blender.

I talked to a future suicide bomber. I told him, "ISIS ain't got sh** on me because I planted a bomb and lived."

Q: What's black, white and red all over?

A: A blushing zebra? No, Michael Jackson after a Pepsi advert.

What's white and comes in little cans?

Michael Jackson.

A mother and son were in the backyard, and the son finished building a shed. The mother says, "You're the best husband ever."

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?

Acne waits until you're 13 to come on your face.

What’s the difference between a retard and a zombie? Nothing much, they both dribble, moan, are hungry, walk weirdly, and it takes a bullet in the head to put them both down.

I like my women like I like my microwaves.

Hot, ready to go when I am, and able to kill any baby I put in her.

What do an angler fish and a pedophile have in common?

They both like to hide in dark places, look creepy, and like to lure small creatures.

A man asked for poison and another man gave it to him. The first man took a sip and said, "hmmm, this tastes like arsenic." He took a sip of another and said, "hmmm, this tastes like cyanide. A very unpleasant taste that brings back memories."

So my sister was eating Now&Laters, and I continuously heard smacking sounds. So I told her, "Can you stop smacking? It's annoying." Then she said, "I can't, it's a juicy type of candy." So I said, "I can stop the candies from making that sound." Then she said, "How?" So I smacked her. :)

One man walks up to another and says, "Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping at Main Street?" The guy says, "No." The other guy says, "Oh, he woke up."

What do trans men and Pinocchio have in common?

Both are lying when they say "I'm a real boy."

(I'm a trans man myself lol)

I like my women like how I like my cocaine, smuggled and cut clean.

Doctor approaches a patient in Hospital and says, "I have some good news and bad news."

So the patient says, "What is the bad news?" the Doctor replies, "I have had to amputate both your legs." So the patient says, "Well, what is the good news?" The Doctor replies, "I have found someone to buy your slippers."