And jokes

Two priests walk into a store, and cops come up to them and say they’re looking for a child molester, and the priests both say, "I’ll do it!"

I took my 5 year old son to ride some roller coasters. I think he didn’t like it because I challenged him to a no hands contest.

He said, "But I don’t have any." He wanted to know what dark humor is. Now he knows what it is and what it feels like.

Dagger. This is to get your attention, for Dagger Jr. and I. We'd like to speak with you, and possibly Lynx, if we can find a time to all talk.

What's the difference between your birth and 9/11?

One was planned.

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.

Do you know what's in common between a hitman and a photographer?

They all shoot people for a living.

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"

So I did...

I don't remember much after that.

Which is Ronaldo's favorite son, Matteo or Cristiano Junior?

Neither. His favorite is San Marino, perfect for stat-padding with tap-ins and penalties!

What’s something you can say in a grocery store and in bed?

"Thanks for coming."

What’s the difference between your sister and a bowling ball?

I can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!

I used to be in a special needs class, and the teacher sent a student (if you want to call them that) out to the hall for being late.

I asked her, "Why did you send James out to the hall?"

She said, "He was a little tardy."

I replied to her, "I thought they all were."

I heard that cataracts are the third leading cause of blindness...

... the first two being politics and religion.

Why is prostitution illegal?

Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them.

What is the difference between the government and organized crime?

Only one of them is organized.

What do you call a movie at Bill Cosby’s house?

Netflix and pill.

What is a government mandate?

When Obama and Biden go out to dinner together.

Two Indians are walking beside a river...

One reaches down into the mud and runs it through his fingers.

"The White Man was here."

"How can you tell?"

"We're speaking English, aren’t we?"

A guy barges into a psychiatrist’s office and screams, “Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!”

The doctor calmly answers, “Pay me in advance.”

What do women and KFC have in common?

After you get done with the thighs and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

What is the difference between a microwave and a gay guy?

A microwave doesn’t brown your meat.