And jokes

Ever seen the show Naked and Afraid? That’s what I call hide-and-seek with my uncle.

A teacher says, "If you have one dollar and your parents give you 5 dollars, how much do you have?"

Everyone raised their hands except for a little girl in the front, but the teacher called on her anyway.

The girl said, "My parents left me, so I would have one dollar."

What is the similarity between orphans and apples?

They both get thrown out.

Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."

The most powerful thing in the world is babies. This is because they cry and get what every they want.

What starts with "E" and ends with "G"?

Everything.

Sometimes I just wake up in the morning and think, "Damn, better luck next time!"

My boy, I think it is about time that I leave this world. Now draw your weapon and kill me now!

*draws a picture of his "epic" sword*

"What... WHAT... WTH ARE YOU DOING SIMPLETON? I DIDN'T MEAN THAT KIND OF DRAW!"

What’s the difference between orphans and blind children?

None. Neither can see their parents.

What do you call 4 black guys and 2 white guys?

The Oreo Gang!

I had a horse named Mayo, and sometimes Mayonnaise.

There was a solar eclipse at school and we missed it, but it was alright. Your mum went to NASA and recreated it herself.

My grandma always said, "Slow and steady wins the race."

She died in a fire.

My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."

I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."

I was out to dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 47, had many people shouting at me and calling me a creep.

It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

What's the difference between yo mama and a fat ugly pig? - I never fucked that fat ugly pig...

A child and a child molester walk into a forest together. The child turns to the molester and says, "Boy, these woods are scary." The molester says to the child, "You think you're scared? I have to walk out of here alone."

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change the bulb and one to suck my dick.

What does Michael Jackson and caviar have so much in common?

They both come on little white crackers.

If you're fat and transgender, then would you be considered trans fat?