And jokes

"911, what’s your emergency?" I asked, listening to the quiet sobs of a little kid on the other end of the line.

“I think my daddy want to kill me,” the girl said and cried, making me freeze on the spot as I recognized my daughter’s voice.

What’s the difference between Jeffrey Dahmer and a priest?

They both like lil' boys.

what do you get when you cross parents, the san fran bridge and a moody asian teen?

Niagra falls

What’s the difference between a clock and an orphan's parents?

The clock actually comes back around.

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

Can anyone answer this riddle? Apparently this is the world's hardest riddle! Good luck 😝

“I turn polar bears white, and I will make you cry. I make guys have to pee, and girls comb their hair. I make celebrities look stupid, and normal people look like celebrities.”

What do garbage bins and horny women have in common?

They wait to be filled with a big load.

I just planted emo grass.

Ignore it and it cuts itself.

My friend had an allergic reaction after he ate a peanut.

We got his EpiPen to help him when Penaldo appeared because he heard the word "PEN". He tried stealing the pen, but I said, "No pens for you," and "Brentford". He cried and ran away. Shame on you, Penaldo the fraud!

Was invited to the inauguration of an I-pad.

We were all ready to begin the event. I was supposed to cut the ribbons, but before I could do that, Penaldo jumped outta nowhere and shouted, "I DON'T WANT I-PAD, I ONLY WANT TO STATPAD!"

Shame on Penaldo for ruining the event! 😡

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to do suicide, and the librarian said, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

If you’re ever bored, then go outside and punch an orphan. Who are they going to tell, their parents?

An emo went to high five a tree, and it left them hanging.

What do blind kids and orphans have in common?

Neither of 'em can see their parents.

You look nice, and you seem like good fun, so if I give you this flower, will you finger my bum?

What does a cigar and a hamster have in common?

Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.

Finally, some social platform where you can talk about Muslims and not get bombed.

Obv, unless you share your residence.

Get a calculator.

Okay, anyways, Sally has 69 bottles of boobs (because she is a cannibal that collects boobs) and her friend said it was 222 many. She got caught by the police and was taken to 51st Street. She got arrested for x8 days, so she was BOOBLESS.

What is one thing blind people and orphans have in common?

They both can't see their parents.

It’s true women do make less money than men.

But it’s their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs. Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer. Whereas women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.