And jokes

An old lady was low on money because she had spent all of her money on clothes.

So she decided to go to the bank. She walked up to the guy at the desk. She asked if he could check her balance. He asked a few questions to the old lady, like her weight and her height. He asked her if she had done any exercise recently. She was very confused. She got angry and asked the man again to check her balance. So he stood up, walked next to her and pushed her over. He came to the conclusion that she had a low balance.

What's the difference between a child and a book?

One doesn't scream when you snap its neck.

Two blondes fell in a hole and one asked, "It's dark in here, isn't it?" and the other one says, "I don't know, I can't see."

What do apples and witches have in common? They both hang on trees.

What's the difference between $1 million and baby teeth?

I don't have $1 million in my wallet.

A mother and son were in the backyard, and the son finished building a shed. The mother says, "You're the best husband ever."

Mickey Mouse went to a psychologist and told him, “I’m having problems with my girlfriend.”

The psychologist said, “You mentioned that you think she is crazy.”

He said, “I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she’s fucking Goofy!”

What does a baby and a hand grenade have in common?

They both make noise when you throw them.

What's the difference between a Porsche and 50 dead babies?

..... I don't have a Porsche in my garage.

I am Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are HeHee.

I gave a blind kid a gun and said it was a blow dryer.

What do an ice cream cone and a Ukrainian orphanage have in common?

Children scream when they melt.

Bully: I'm going to hurt you so bad.

You: Well... your IQ is the same amount of teeth I'm about to knock out, so... you're so dumb that you can't even do that.

And your IQ is 5.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of concrete under his arm and says, "A beer please! and one for the road!"

A lady weightlifter goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have a confession." The doctor asks, "What is that?" She replies, "I've been using steroids and....I think I've grown a penis." The doctor looks at her and asks, "Anabolic?" There's an awkward silence then she replies, "No, just a penis."

I was both shocked and amazed to hear Stephen Hawking kicked the bucket.

One day, an orphan bought a boomerang. He threw it, and it didn’t come back.

A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it.

Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."

Guy: "What's the bad news?"

Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."

Guy: "Good news?"

Doc: "You now have tic tac toe."

Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seat belt.

How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment.

What's the difference between an onion and a baby?

One makes you cry when you cut it up.