And jokes

What do planes and offices have in common?

They both tend to cross paths at the wake of disaster.

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan? Apples get picked. Orphans don't.

What's the difference between a priest and a rabbi? A rabbi cuts it off, a priest sucks it off.

I couldn’t understand why the baseball was getting bigger and bigger.

Then it hit me.

What goes up and down but stays in the same place?

Stairs.

Two Indians talk over a long distance using smoke signals.

In the middle of the conversation, a nuclear bomb explodes behind one of them, and a huge cloud of smoke rises silently into the sky.

The other Indian signals with smoke: "Not so loud!"

And God said to John, "Come forth, and you shall be granted eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without kids.

Become an anti-furry for free KFC and dead orphans in your basement.

What do rocks and girls have in common?

The flat ones get skipped.

A Muslim enters a building with 100 passengers and an airplane.

What do a blind person and an orphan have in common?

They both cannot see their family.

What is the similarity of a bomb and a baby?

When you drop them both, everyone screams.

Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!

Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*

Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.

You know that if it says, "Adopt a Highway" and no one does, we're driving on orphans.

What does Johnny Depp hate about driving a car?

He can't drink and drive.

What's the difference between a Mexican and a drawer?

The drawer has papers.

What’s the difference between a female farmer and Hitler’s girlfriend?

One bails her hay, and the other heils her bae.

What's the difference between saying "bloody" in America and in the U.K.?

In the U.K., it's a swear word.

In America, it's a family reunion.

When Elsa said, "Let it go," you took it too seriously and let go of your hairline.