And jokes

Used to laugh at Michael Jackson for wearing gloves and a mask...

Yet here I am, stuck at home in this COVID-19 "Thriller," beating it...

Roses are red. Watches are gold. Get on your knees and do what you're told.

What has four legs and one arm? A doberman at the playground.

What's the difference between Al Qaeda and Ms. Frizzle? One flew a plane into the Twin Towers; one flew a bus into the school.

A man was mowing his lawn when blue and red stuff came out instead of grass. Next thing he knew, a smurf was on his shoulder asking if he’s seen his friend.

What do you get when you cross a bisexual male that is a catholic priest and a christian police officer that is a bisexual male and a born again homophobic heteroflexable male that is a christian nationalist who is in the closet a gay man that needs to be force out of the closet by any means necessary?

Yo mama is so fat that when she walks, she causes earthquakes. She is so big that she has her own zip code and gravity field. She is so heavy that she needs a crane to get out of bed. She is so obese that she can't fit in any clothes, except for a circus tent. She is so large that she blocks the sun and causes eclipses.

What’s green and orange and sits at the bottom of the swimming pool?

A baby with burst armbands.

A tiny psychic escaped from jail, and the news said there a small medium at large.

Stephen Hawking would be a bad Pokemon.

He'd always be paralyzed, and his only move would be tackle!

A man and woman were having sex. After they were done, the man asks the woman, "Are you a nurse?" The woman answers, "Yes. How did you know?" The man replies, "Because you took care of me so well." Then the woman asks the man, "Are you an anesthesiologist?" He says proudly, "Yes. How do you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

The cheetah had a race with a lion, and the cheetah won.

The lion was like, "Why you always a cheetah?"

The cheetah was like, "Why you always lion (lying)?"

What's the difference between a feminist and a pencil?

One of them has a POINT:)

I was watching my daughter play at the park. A woman came up to me and asked which one was mine. I said I was still choosing.

Today is sad. My sister got hit by a car, and I lost my license as a driver.

An old man walks to a busy restaurant. He tells the waiter what he wants and asks her, "Can I have a discount? I served in the war."

The waitress says, "Of course, and would you like that meal with sauce?"

"Nein," said the old man.

What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple gets picked.

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple tree?

Apples get picked.

I came home from school one day and told my cat a kid at school said I was an idiot and told me to go kick rocks, so I did, except I kicked him, not the rocks, and I called him the idiot for not moving out of the way.

What do you call a musician 👩‍🎤 who drinks soda and sings 🎤 at the same time?

A popsinger.