And jokes

Why are most absent dads mechanics?

They like to nut and bolt.

What do a mag and a clip have in common? They are both good at school.

Used to laugh at Michael Jackson for wearing gloves and a mask...

Yet here I am, stuck at home in this COVID-19 "Thriller," beating it...

What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?

A pimple will wait until you're 12 years old to come on your face.

What has four legs and one arm? A doberman at the playground.

My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.

What is the difference between a Mexican maid and a Jewish maid?

One of them won’t clean the oven.

Israel and Palestine jokes are hard at these times.

It’s all about execution.

What does an orphan and a military man not have in common? Neither gets to go back home.

I told my friend that we should dress up as P. Diddy and Drake for Halloween and ask parents if their kid wants to come over for a sleepover.

Roses are red. Watches are gold. Get on your knees and do what you're told.

6 Germans walk into a bar... and only three walk out.

What do Rihanna and a DJ have in common?

They know how to get a beat down.

A man was mowing his lawn when blue and red stuff came out instead of grass. Next thing he knew, a smurf was on his shoulder asking if he’s seen his friend.

What's the difference between Al Qaeda and Ms. Frizzle? One flew a plane into the Twin Towers; one flew a bus into the school.

What do you get when you cross a bisexual male that is a catholic priest and a christian police officer that is a bisexual male and a born again homophobic heteroflexable male that is a christian nationalist who is in the closet a gay man that needs to be force out of the closet by any means necessary?

Yo mama is so fat that when she walks, she causes earthquakes. She is so big that she has her own zip code and gravity field. She is so heavy that she needs a crane to get out of bed. She is so obese that she can't fit in any clothes, except for a circus tent. She is so large that she blocks the sun and causes eclipses.

A tiny psychic escaped from jail, and the news said there a small medium at large.

What’s green and orange and sits at the bottom of the swimming pool?

A baby with burst armbands.

Stephen Hawking would be a bad Pokemon.

He'd always be paralyzed, and his only move would be tackle!