America jokes
A man died and went to heaven. Here he met Jesus. There were two clocks. The man asked, "What's with the clocks?" Jesus answered, "This is Mother Theresa's clock. She has not lied, so the clock hasn't moved. This is Abraham Lincoln's clock; he's only lied twice, so it's moved twice." "Where's Donald Trump's?" the man asked. Jesus replied: "It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."
I don't even know why to joke about America, it's a joke itself TO THE FUCKING EARTH!
I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world." Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
Why do they call it America when literally nothing is free?
So we all know why 6 was afraid of 7, because 7 ate 9, but why was 10 scared? It was in between 9/11.
What are the best shooting ranges in America?
Schools.
Gun control in America is perfect the way it is, because the other day my daughter was seeing a boy and i caught them in bed. Then i pulled out my shotgun and nearly shot him. As he was running away I shouted " The only person allowed to f*ck my daughter is me!".
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture frame?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture frame.
Everyone's always saying they're so worried about America's big button, the one that controls all the nuclear power. I'm not worried about that... I'm worried about the idiot on the end of it.
Why are Mexicans so bad in the Olympics?
Because all the ones that can run, jump, and swim live in America.
What do you call a person in America that is not a retard?
A foreign exchange student.
Obama was America's first black president, and Trump was their first orange one.
America: "WE NEED MORE AMMO!"
Japan: "We are the ammo."
What's the difference between pussy and pizza... nothing because I'll eat them both.
What do you call an emo kid's suicide live stream?
America's funniest home videos.
In America, planes hit the Twin Towers. In Soviet Russia, Twin Towers hit planes.
A straight man and a gay man are talking. The straight man says, "I'm wanted in 2 states for murder." and the gay man replies with, "Oh, that sucks. I'm wanted in 13 for existing."
What’s an abbreviation for school in America?
Shooting range.
Jokes just as dead as the victims.
A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."
What do you call your brother in Alabama? Daddy.