Everyone's always saying they're so worried about America's big button, the one that controls all the nuclear power. I'm not worried about that... I'm worried about the idiot on the end of it.
What place can you always find suicidal cows at?
"McDonald's."
What is the one thing wrong with Asian pet stores?...
There is always a kitchen in the back.
Why does Aaron always look depressed? Because his grandma's dead.
So you know how sheets are always so tight at hotels?
Well I looked under the bed and there is a freaking room cleaner holding the sheets. All he says is "Don't ask or you shall die!"
Question: Why can't you trust a tree?
Answer: 'Cause they are always shady.
Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands.
I despise lumberjacks. They are always barking up the wrong tree, all bark and no bite.
They just need to leaf people alone or stick with something nicer.
My grandma always loved to craft clothing. She dyed last week.
How do we know the Ancient Egyptians were into organized crime? They were always using pyramid schemes!!
Why is it that when Donald Trump and Melania make love, she is always on top?
Donald Trump can only F@#k up.
RIP Stephen Hawking who was buried today... he did always love black holes.
I forgot my lucky egg! It always gives me an eggcellent amount of luck!
I have a friend who has no arms, her name is Suzy. I always tell her this one knock knock joke, "Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" Not Suzy.
Why are blind people so good at being a Jedi?
They are always swinging a stick.
Why is Stephen Hawking good at skateboarding? Because he's always on the ramps.
Stephen Hawking always wins musical chairs, as he’s always sitting down.
Nurse: Don't worry, I'm great with babies. Parents: You are? Nurse: Yeah, I always abort them. Parent:... Parent: You're hired.
Life is like giving head... it always sucks.
How do you stay warm in a cold room?
You go to the corners. It's always 90 degrees.
