What's the worst thing about having a Congolese friend?
He always needs a hand.
Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."
Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."
Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."
My last thought: Am I a murderer?
How do you know cat's don't always land on their feet?
Mufasa.
I will always remember my dad's last words...
Oh wait, I never knew them.
I don’t like stairs. They are always up to something.
Why do people always talk about 9/11, but seriously, just let it sit there, like the rubble it is.
A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp. He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie. The genie says to him, "Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude." The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 Lamborghinis and 2 Ferraris, the genie grants it.
The genie says, "This is your last wish so really make this one count." The guy says, "Well, I've always wanted to drive out to the Hawaiian islands, because airplanes scare me to death, so I would want a highway that could stretch from here all the way to the islands." The Genie says, "That is asking for quite a lot and I'm not sure if I can pull that off, is there anything else you'd want?" The guy says, "Well, I've been married and divorced three times, and I just can't understand what I've been doing wrong. I've given my ex-wives all the love and care that I could, but in the end it was never enough. I would want to have the ability to understand women." The genie thinks for a few moments and says, "Do you want a three or four lane highway?"
I'll always remember my Dad's last words before he died on 9/11...
Allahu Akbar!
Why are mountains always tired? Because they don't Everest.
Friend: My girls are like boomerangs; they always come back.
Me: Mine DON'T :(
Why are hospitals always freezing?
They need to keep the vegetables cold.
I always hated being born a Catholic as a kid. The way you have to keep kneeling down, bending over, and standing up all within a few minutes of each other while at church. I was always thinking, “For God’s sake, just pick a position and fuck me!”
What fruit always feels depressed?
A blueberry.
I love breakups. My ex-girlfriends always end up in pieces.
9/11 jokes aren’t funny.
They always crash and burn.
My dad always told me I should sing tenor. Ten or twelve miles away.
Why do orphans always get picked on?
They can't run and tell their parents.
Why can't Pooh Bear catch a date?
Because he is always talking about his honey.
Why didn’t the girl like stairs?
They were always up to something.
Why are graveyards so popular? Because people are always dying to get into them.
