Alcohol

Alcohol jokes

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If Bruno Mars was to run a pub and sell chocolate bars other than alcoholic drinks, then he'd have to call his pub a Mars Bar!

A very rich and famous comedian walked into a Russian bar and asked for a vodka, but the bar man (a big fan of his) answered to him: - "This vodka isn't good enough for you." - "If it is good enough for you it is good enough for me!"

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar. The man orders a beer, one for him and one for the giraffe.

After they finish their drinks, the giraffe falls over, and the man gets his stuff and heads for the door.

The bartender says, "Stop! You can't leave that thing lying on the floor!"

The man says, "Mate, that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

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    • A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:

    Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"

    Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"

    Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"

    A priest, a rapist, a pedophile, and a homosexual walk into a bar.

    He orders a drink.

    I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting, but fell asleep.

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    • A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"

    The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

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    • A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m., and his wife is livid. "You swore that you'd be home by 11:45!"

    "No," slurs the mathematician, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."

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    • Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar? Because she heard the drinks were on the house.

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