Alcohol jokes
Two men walk into a bar, and they both hit their heads.
So, there are these 3 strings, they walk into a bar. People are giving them looks. The small chap is your typical thin cord. He walks to the barman and asks for a rum and coke. He replies, "Oii, your kind ain't welcomed here, so take your drink, mates, and fuck off."
He goes back to his mates and says, "We'd better get outta here." "Nonsense," replies the mid guy, he's your typical string. Goes to the barman and same story. Finally the last guy, he's your typical rope. He burst out, "Fuck this!" He twits and ties himself whilst messing up his hair. He struts up to the barman and asks for a rum and coke. The barman does so and whilst he prepares the drink, he opens with, "Say, aren't you a string?" "No, I'm a frayed knot."
Helen Keller walked into a bar, and a chair, and a table, and a wall.
Three drunk men get in a taxi. The driver knew they were drunk, so he started the car and turned it off. The first man gave him the money. The second man thanked him, but the third man slapped the driver. The driver, surprised that he noticed, asked why, and the third man replied with, "Why did you drive so fast?"
Q: How do you make a 9/11 cocktail?
A: Light two Manhattans on fire and then knock them over.
Q: Why did the Queer get fired from the sperm bank?
A: He got caught drinking on the job.
I like my women how I like my wine: 12 years old and locked in a cellar.
Aj died in a bar.
The end.
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?
Tequila.
Q: What do American beer and canoes have in common?
A: Fu@king close to water!
An Irishman walked past a bar.
A man enters a bar with some friends, and they all sit down to a drink. After not too long, a man with glasses comes through the front door saying, "Anyone who wants to fly off the third story balcony, come upstairs with me!" When no one listens, he shrugs, and everyone watches him go up the stairs. Ten seconds later, he comes back in through the door, again saying, "Anyone who wants to fly off the third story balcony, come upstairs with me!" Everyone is amazed, and a few people leave to go fly with him. He keeps coming back into the bar, bringing more and more patrons to join him. The man at the bar is about to join in when the bartender finally sighs.
"For the last time, Superman, get out of my bar, you're drunk and the only person here that can fly!"
The man with glasses frowns.
"Where did all the others go, then?"
What's worse than waking up with a dead baby next to you?
Realizing you were so drunk that you made love to it the night before...
What’s Bin Laden’s favorite drink? Double Manhattan.
If drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking Fanta make you fantastic?
A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he's drinking a magical drink. He asks, "What's so magical about it?" The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.
The bartender shakes his head and says, "Y'know, you're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender said, "Why the long face?"
The real reason Steven Hawking died is he was drunk and tried to go down a flight of stairs.
A redneck and a Black man walk into a bar and order a drink.