Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks...
The Trump cocktail. Take a large glass and fill it with an ounce of everything behind the bar. Top it with whipped cream and a cherry. Now for the hard part: finding a Mexican to pay for it.
If you have a daughter, give her the same name as the mum; that way when you call for a beer, you get two beers, and when you call for sex, you get two sex...
If Bruno Mars was to run a pub and sell chocolate bars other than alcoholic drinks, then he'd have to call his pub a Mars Bar!
A very rich and famous comedian walked into a Russian bar and asked for a vodka, but the bar man (a big fan of his) answered to him: - "This vodka isn't good enough for you." - "If it is good enough for you it is good enough for me!"
Why did the man walk into a bar?
Because he just broke up and he needs alcohol, you dummy!
A man and a giraffe walk into a bar. The man orders a beer, one for him and one for the giraffe.
After they finish their drinks, the giraffe falls over, and the man gets his stuff and heads for the door.
The bartender says, "Stop! You can't leave that thing lying on the floor!"
The man says, "Mate, that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:
Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"
Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"
Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"
A priest, a rapist, a pedophile, and a homosexual walk into a bar.
He orders a drink.
An Irish guy walks out of a bar....
I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting, but fell asleep.
A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"
The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"
A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m., and his wife is livid. "You swore that you'd be home by 11:45!"
"No," slurs the mathematician, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."
What was Osama Bin Laden's favorite drink?
A Double Manhattan.
Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar? Because she heard the drinks were on the house.
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can't drink and derive.
Why doesn't Jesus buy beer?
Hebrews.
A time traveler walks into a bar.
He orders a beer and a shot of whiskey.
A Roman walks into a bar.
He holds up two fingers and says, "Give me five beers."
How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool?
"Please get out of the pool."
