Alcohol jokes
I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting, but fell asleep.
A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"
The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"
A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m., and his wife is livid. "You swore that you'd be home by 11:45!"
"No," slurs the mathematician, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."
What was Osama Bin Laden's favorite drink?
A Double Manhattan.
Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar? Because she heard the drinks were on the house.
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can't drink and derive.
Why doesn't Jesus buy beer?
Hebrews.
A time traveler walks into a bar.
He orders a beer and a shot of whiskey.
A Roman walks into a bar.
He holds up two fingers and says, "Give me five beers."
How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool?
"Please get out of the pool."