Aed jokes
How do you get 100 babies in the back of a pick up truck? Blender.
How do you get them back out? Straw.
One day, a snail got robbed by two turtles. Once the cops arrived and asked what had happened, the snail said, "I don't know, it all happened too fast!"
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Leave a like down below if you think Stephen Hawking should stand for the National Anthem.
How do kill a redneck?
Wait until he is fucking his sister and take the brakes off his house.
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you? No charge!"
A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help!" she said. "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
Him: *slowly drives past elementary school while looking at kids*
Her: Why are you staring at those kids? *jokingly* Are you like a pedophile or something?
Him: ... At least you know why I love calling you "baby" now~
Yo mama is so poor, she asked a homeless guy for money.
Yo momma so stupid that someone said, "You're not that wealthy," and she went to a doctor.
A man goes to a restaurant and asks for some chili.
The waiter said, "Sorry sir, this is an Asian restaurant."
So he stretches his eyes and says, "Oh herro, can I get some chiri?"
Yo momma so fat, her four kids use her as a bed and her fat rolls as cozy blankets.
Yo mama so short, she wakes up every day in a brick house singing “Everything is Awesome”.
What's black and white and red all over?
A massacre at a funeral.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking go to Heaven?
Because there wasn’t a ramp.
You know when you sign up for something and it says "I'm not a robot"? I guess he never had the chance to tick that.
What do you say to a pig with no nose? You have n'ought a snout!
Why was it cold in Stephen Hawking's house?
Because he had a new window open...
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish!
I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.
Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.