What did the blind man say the first time he touched sandpaper?
“What in the world did I just read?”
Shower thoughts
@showerthoughts
What do you call a stoned kid with Down syndrome?
A baked potato.
What do you call a religious drug addict? A crystal methodist.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child
Whats the difference between a rooster and a prostitute? The rooster says.. cock a doodle doo The prostitute says.. any cock will do
How much drugs did Charlie Sheen take?
Enough to kill two and a half men.
What do you call a religious drug addict?
A crystal methodist.
What’s the difference between depression and your ex?
Depression fucks you harder.
Bin Laden’s kid comes sad from school.
“Dad, I got an F in Geography class!”
“Why is that?”
“The teacher asked me what’s the tallest building in New York and I said ‘Empire State Building.’”
Bin Laden waits a moment and then replies, “Let dad handle this one.”
What’s Michael Jackson’s favorite poker hand?
Jacks and 5.
What pronouns would Michael Jackson have used as a Gender Identifier?
“He/he.”
Did you know that people say Michael Jackson only became a pedophile when he was white?
Lucky for him, if he was black he would have been found guilty.
What’s the only plus for someone who burns to death?
They get a discount at the crematorium.
What’s the worst thing about being suicidal?
The school shooter will always spare you.
Did you see the dyslexic kid try to write down “funeral?”
No? Shame, it was real fun.
Do you know that “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” usually mean the same thing?
Except at a funeral.
Did you hear about the young man who brought floral arrangements in the shape of a life jacket on his friend’s funeral who drowned last week?
Everyone was furious, but he explained, “It’s what he would have wanted.”
What’s better than winning gold at the Paralympics? Walking.
What do dark humor and a person with scoliosis have in common?
Both are sick and twisted.
What do you do when you finish a magazine in the hospital?
Reload and keep firing!