I asked the homeless woman if I could take her home. She said yes, so I took it.
Shower thoughts
@showerthoughts
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?
I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...
My wife asked me to please quit singing "Wonderwall" in the shower.
I said, "Maybe."
What is worse than seeing your sibling drown?
Getting the water bill.
What is the difference between onions and my dead grandma?
I cried when I cut up the onions.
How do you ground a Gen Z?
Make them go outside and socialize.
My grandfather lost his tongue during WW2.
He never talks about it.
My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away.
He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade.
You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
Doctor: you’ll be at peace soon
Man: am I dying
Doctor: no, your wife is.
What’s the worst part about a dead prostitute?
You end up doing all the work.
What’s the difference between Santa and my dad?
Santa got the milk.
What is the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
You’ll only need a single nail to hang the picture frame up.
What is the worst thing your sibling can steal from you? Your virginity
Why are carpenters never horny after work?
Because they’ve already spent all day getting hammered and nailing things.
Who is Bill Cosby’s favorite Disney princess?
Sleeping Beauty.
Why are obese jokes so offensive?
Because fat people have enough on their plate.
I got kicked out of flight school, so I decided to learn from the experienced pilots (Isis).
My mom smashed my Xbox, so I smashed her daughter. 😏
Why do emos suck at playing tic-tac-toe on their wrists?
Because when they win, they lose.