How do you kill a retard?
Give them a knife and say, "Who's special?"
Shower thoughts
@showerthoughts
What does an autistic kid and a loaf of bread have in common?
They both have special needs.
What do you get when you cross A-Rod with Chris Brown?
Cheater, cheater, woman beater!
What is the best thing about an 18-year-old girl in the shower?
Slick her hair back, she looks 15.
How do you know if a chick is too fat?
If you pull her pants down, her ass is still in them.
What do you call a 96-year-old who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.
Why is Santa always so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
What’s strong enough for a man, but made for a woman?
The back of my hand.
What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?
A cherry float
A gay guy and a trucker get in a car crash.
The gay guy says, "Somebody call the police! This man just rammed into me!"
The trucker says, "What the fuck did you just say, fucker? Get over here, I'm gonna wreck your ass!"
The gay man then says, "It's okay, everybody, don't call the police! He wants to negotiate."
A girl walks into an Adult Store. "Hi, I want to buy that red dildo right there."
Cashier: "That's a fire extinguisher, you whore."
I got kicked out of the hospital.
Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.
I asked the homeless woman if I could take her home. She said yes, so I took it.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?
I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...
My wife asked me to please quit singing "Wonderwall" in the shower.
I said, "Maybe."
What is worse than seeing your sibling drown?
Getting the water bill.
What is the difference between onions and my dead grandma?
I cried when I cut up the onions.
How do you ground a Gen Z?
Make them go outside and socialize.
My grandfather lost his tongue during WW2.
He never talks about it.
My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away.
He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade.