Why did the baby cross the road? The car seat wasn’t strapped in.
Shower thoughts
When you accidentally turn in your suicide note instead of your essay to the teacher, but she still gives you an A.
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long for fat people
What’s the worst thing to do at a funeral?
The corpse.
What is the best part about Alabama prostitutes?
Family comes first.
Why is Santa always so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Asked my dad what LGBT stands for.
He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?" Obviously, I had to reply with "Garnish."
Having homosexual parents must be terrible.
Either you have a double dosage of dad jokes or you are stuck in a cycle of "go ask your mom".
How many Karens does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one...to call 911 and demand a cop come do something about the intimidating blackness.
A priest was driving down the road when a cop pulled him over.
The cop asked him if he had anything to drink. The priest said just water.
The cop said, "Then why can I smell wine?"
The priest said, "Good Lord, it happened again!"
How do you make someone in Africa disappointed?
Sing "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head."
What do you call a necrophiliac gangbang?
Cracking open a cold one with the boys.
When a mute girl gives a hand job, is it oral?
In 2011, Stephen Hawking said there is no God. In 2018, God said there is no Steve Hawking.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off the coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.
Did you ever think that John F. Kennedy went for a ride in Dallas just to clear his head?
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? You slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.
Why do black people only have nightmares? Because the last one who had a dream was shot.
Why is suicide illegal? Because it destroys government property.
How do you start a school shooting at a black school?
Call the cops.