Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.
Worst Jokes Ever
Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
What starts with e, ends with e, and only contains one letter? -- An envelope.
Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.
What do Japanese men do when they vote?
They have an erection.
What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter?
"Quack, quack."
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.
I walked into a room full of men masturbating. They all looked shocked when I didn't stop.
Bill Gates teaches a kindergarten class to count to ten. "1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10."
Look in a mirror.
New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer... than the men who mention it.
I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.
I didn't want to interrupt her.
I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world." Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting, but fell asleep.
Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10. He replied, "I still love Vista, baby."
Where did Noah keep his bees? -- In the ark hives.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. -- I'm doing well, but I do get cannelloni.
A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."
9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.
If Al Gore started a math rock band, it should be called Algorhythm.
