Worst Jokes Ever

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologized to the Olympic Committee after realizing that sailing and shooting were two separate events.

I won the lottery for a million dollars today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

I now have $999,999.75.

My girlfriend is a porn star. -- She will kill me if she finds out.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.

My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy!

I was going to buy a pocket calculator. But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have?

Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site."

My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...

"Lazy."

English is weird. It can be understood through tough, thorough thought, though.

What do you call a Communist sniper? -- A Marxman.

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.

He was high on my list of priorities.

Who can shave 20 times a day and still have a beard? -- A barber.

How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? -- All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.

19 and 20 had a fight. 21.

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

4, 6, 8, and 9 have all been killed. 2, 3, 5, 7, and 11 are the prime suspects.

A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"

The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"