I was making a bet with my grandfather about who would die first. I said that I would die first.
He said "Bet" and died after he drank his coffee.
He was my least favorite grandparent.
Worst Jokes Ever
What do you call an act of “funny” discipline? A PUN-ishment!
What do you call a warrior that's going to bed?
A knight knight.
What did the cactus look like with his tuxedo on?
Sharp! 🤣
I saw my friend hang themselves. My response was, I guess they wanted to hang with someone.
A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus and proudly claims the animal can play any musical instrument. The bartender pulls out a guitar from behind the bar and gives it to the octopus, which plays an amazing solo. Just then a Scotsman walks into the bar with a set of bagpipes. The octopus grabs the instrument and wrestles around with it on the ground, flailing about, making a horrible sound. The bartender says, "Hey, looks like he can't play that!" and the octopus says, "Play it? As soon as I get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck it!"
Why is a pro fighter like a fisher?
They both can throw a hook.
What is yellow and does not float well?
A school bus.
Wanna hear a poop joke?
Nah, they always stink.
Q: How do you get a squirrel to like you? A: Act like a nut! 😂
Q: Why don't eggs tell jokes? A: Because they'd crack each other up.
Son: Dad, can you put my shoes on? Dad: No, son, I don't think they would fit me.
I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
It is reported that when Churchill met Stalin at Yalta, they discussed their hobbies.
Churchill said: "I collect the jokes people tell me about me."
"That's a coincidence," said Stalin, "I collect the people who tell jokes about me."
Why do I go around making orphan jokes? Because they can't go crying to their parents. 😅
Why do orphans play GTA?
Because they need to know what it’s like to be wanted.
Why didn't the cows eat the lemon grass?
It made sour milk.
What if soy milk is just regular milk trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
I'm glad we're all going virtual so I can cuss in front of my class and blame it on my stupid siblings.
Don't do gay jokes, come on guys.
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you ain't already told her twice.
Five little monkeys jumping on a bed.
One fell off and bumped his head. Mamma called Walmart, and Walmart said,
"We will give you a replacement!"
Your mom's so heavy that it caused Atlas, the Titan, to slip a disc.