Worst Jokes Ever

Well, if Stephen Hawking likes black holes so much, why did he call security when I put my hole on his face?

I just reached 10 million pounds in Euro Truck Simulator, but it's not even close to what Rakhmat Akilov achieved.

Tesco's slogan is "Every little helps."

Well, their bag did a wonderful job on suffocating my wife.

I was absolutely fuming when I found out my mate was rifling through my mum's knicker drawer.

No one goes in there without my permission!

My girlfriend said to me, "Dear, I think you have hit an animal, there's blood and dents all over the bonnet."

I said, "No, love, I'm not waiting for a Black Lives Matter rally."

My dad said, "Where's Pickles, the family cat?" I said, "I'm sorry to say he's in the sky." He said, "Oh, I see, he passed away." No, I strapped him to 20 fireworks!

My Indian wife said last night if her fanny would taste like vindaloo curry, I said I've smelt your fucking armpits, you've got no chance.

I asked my nan if she wouldn't mind shitting in a bucket when we went camping. She replied, "Why the fuck would I want to sit in a bucket?" So eventually she did, and I took the best shit I have ever had!

What has 2 wheels and screams? A disabled [person] I dropkicked down the stairs.

I thought I had the best K/D ratio in my fighter jet on Battlefield, then I heard about Mohammed Atta.

If you want to SH but not in the sell farm way, come ooon.. do you even know what does that means?..

My dad had a very unfortunate accident with his death. I clearly asked for Jammy Dodgers and got Bourbons!

What is saw and bleeding and covered in bruises?

Your mum.

Therapist: What do you want to do when you grow up?

Me: Oh, I wan-

Therapist: Don’t say to be dead.

Me: Well, I want to be an entrepreneur. I want to sell land, pencils, oh yeah. I also want to sell farm.

My friend asked me once, "Is there any religion in the world that preaches a god who masturbates in a closed room?"

"Islam it is."

Why can’t orphans fly? Because they’re still winging it.

Yo mama is so fat that when she jumps, the earth was shaking!

As a kid, I used to eat a sour herb from a certain spot near a rock.

Now I pee on it, just following the ritual of Africa.

Bully: I bet your dick is so small when you look down you can't see it.

Guy: I don't, I see your mom.

A little girl said to her mom, "Mom, my butt's cracked, kiss it, kiss it!" Her mom said, "Sweetie, shut up, it's always been there!" Then her daughter died 'cause of her melodramaticness.