3 jokes

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Dad

    • My dad came over late at night. He was drunk. He started telling me how useless I was. Then I went to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and stabbed him in the chest 47 times.

    Three minutes later, he died. Now I’m losing my mind and cutting myself.

    Skeleton

    • Friend 1: How can the skeleton tell it was going to rain?

    Me: He could feel it in his bones.

    Friend 1: No, he read the forecast, you fucking idiot!

    Heheh ;3

    Cow

    • A farmer has 3 fat ugly cows. One is named Xia. The next is named Chiang. What's the third?

    Yu.

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    Reason

    • "Boom, quick; you have five seconds to give me three reasons to live." "1......2......3 .....4....5..." Did you notice you said nothing at all?

  • 22

    • Guinness

    • Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory, and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work.

    Paddy agrees to tell Seamus' wife the bad news. He knocks on the door, and Seamus' wife answers. "What's happened, Paddy?" Paddy frowns. "I'm sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, I'm so sorry." She started to cry and asked Paddy: "Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, "No, he got out 3 times for a pee."

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    Teacher

    • A teacher asks a boy in her class, "If 3 birds are sitting on a fence, and one is shot, how many are left?" The boy responds with, "None." The teacher asks why. "They would all fly away after hearing the gunshot." The teacher says, "The answer is 2, but I like the way you think."

    Later, the boy asks the teacher, "3 women walk out of an ice cream shop. One is eating with a spoon, one is licking it, and one is sucking it. Which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking it." The boy says, "No, the one wearing the ring, but I like the way you think."

  • 6
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    Roast

    • 1. You're so dumb, you think Cheerios are donut seeds!

    2. You're so fat, you could sell shade!

    3. You're just like coconut water, nobody likes you!

    4. Have you been shopping lately? Because they're selling lives around the corner, you should go get one!

    If being ugly was a crime, you would get a life sentence!!

    Are these good?

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    Fun Fact

    • 10 Fun Facts.

    1. You can't wash your eyes with soap. 2. You can't count your hair. 3. You can't breathe through your nose with your tongue out. 4. You just tried number 3. 5. When you did number 3, you realized it's possible, only you look like a dog. 6. You're smiling right now because you were fooled. 7. You skipped number 5. 8. You just checked to see if there is a number 5. 9. Share this with your friends to have some fun too :-)

  • 15
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    Pineapple

    • Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, and they want to kill them. But the Europeans beg to have their lives spared.

    The Native Americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: The Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, and he laughs, and the Native Americans kill him.

    The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs and the Native American kills him. They both see each other in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach, and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?"

    The second guy says, “Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”

  • 0
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    Race

    • Two gay guys, two lesbians, and two pedophiles have a race.

    What is the order of finish?

    1. Lesbians. Doing 69 the whole way.

    2. Pedophiles. Coming in a little behind.

    3. Gay guys. Still packing their shit.

  • 7

    • Chat

    • Three strangers have opened a gay chat; but if one left the chat, the chat would be closed.

    Stranger 3: How to turn a straight guy into a gay guy?

    Stranger 1: You can't!

    Stranger 2: You can.

    Stranger 3: How?

    Stranger 2: By using the same idea of the Russian experiment; like in a detention, put him in a closed room full of gay stuff, but the difference is that he can sleep, and he will have food for 30 days and a toilet, too.

    Stranger 3: Great idea, but who can we try first?

    Stranger 1: You all gays are evil monsters.

    Stranger 2: I think the stranger 1 is just a straight spy. Let's try this experi-

    (The chat has been closed by stranger 1)

  • 1
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