24 jokes

We have decided to delete this part of this site on 10/24/2022.

Are you a lollipop? Because I can suck on you all day.

Are you an Oreo? Because I eat the cream first.

Are you a microwave? Because I’m trying to keep you quiet at 3:00 am.

Are you a sprinkler? Cause every time I see you I get wet.

Are you makeup? Cause I’d spend hours doing you.

Are you a guitar? Because I’d love to hear the noises you make when I play with you.

Are you an elevator? Cause I wanna ride you up and down.

Most restaurants are closed at night, but your legs aren’t.

I’m not a cashier, but you got a couple of things I wanna check out.

Are you Cinderella? Because I can see that dress coming off at midnight.

Are you a calendar? Because I want to pin you against the wall.

I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately, but I hope it’s you.

Are you a doughnut? Cause I wanna fill you with cream.

Are you a garden? Cause I want to plant some seeds inside of you.

Do you sing in the shower? Because if so, I need a private ticket of your concert.

Are your legs the twin towers? Because I’ll bomb what’s in between.

Are you a blanket? Because you’re on top of me every night.

Are you a phone? Cause I like to be on you 24/7.

Are you a roller coaster? Because the faster you go, the louder I scream.

I’m so jealous of your heart right now because it’s pounding inside of you and I’m not.

Are you a popsicle? Cause all I want to do is lick you up and down.

Are you a construction worker? Because you got me all bricked up.

Are you a fireman? Because you came in hot and left me wet.

"(live comedy club) Foul Mouthed Trump Hating Comic:

......"Hey how 'bout that Donald Trump chump, what the fuck up with that dude, man? Geeeezus, he got some kuh-razy ass shit spewing endlessly out that pie-hole, 24/8!" (< leap week, muthafukas!) . . . "I mean, even his last name rhymes with shit that's synonymous for being fucked up, for instance"....

STUMP: TEENY DICK

BUMP: TINY TIT

GUMP: DIMWITTED MOVIE IDIOT GUY

MUMP: A FUCKED UP CHILDREN'S DISEASE

LUMP: IF IT'S MALIGNANT, YOU'RE KINDA FUCKED

UMP: OFTEN MAKES TERRIBLE CALLS

RUMP: AN ASS

DUMP: A PILE OF SHIT THAT CAME OUT OF AN ASS

HUMP: SOMETHING DADDY DID TO HIM DAILY THROUGHOUT CHILDHOOD

PUMP: SEE "HUMP" . . . and last, but definitely not least --

JUMP: JUMP INTO A DEEP HOLE MOTHER FUCKER, AND GO TO HELL!!

.... "Well that's about it for me as my explosive diarrhea is about ready to take a turn for the worse!! ......(splort!, plop!)....... OOOOPS!! ..... sniff, sniff........ Ewww!" (audience roars) "Fuhhhhk!". . . I better go, 'cause I just went!! ..... Ha! ha! ha!" . . . "Thank You Lazies and Gerbilmen! Good Night!!" ............

(endless laughter, guffaws, cheers, jeers, queers, beers, pants pee-ing, beaters beating, pepper sprayin', guns poppin')

"OH LORDY!!... HELL HATH FINALLY COMETH, AND ARMAGETTIN' THE FUCK OUTTA HEEE!!"

(quick curtain call, and off to waiting taxi.........with the windows down) .......Amen."

A politician dies. So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately, you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that, however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"

"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the politician. "Them's the rules," says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy disappears...

And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be, right?

"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey, we've only got 24 hours!". Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks. "Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!" "Wait, this is Hell? But... Where are all the pain and suffering?" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit misrepresented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is, of course, free, as is the room service, there are extra towels next to the hot tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..." Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. "It's one of 5 pro-level courses on-site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbor!" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift and walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cheerily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course is made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2-foot-tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying on important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Gandhi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite and spend the rest of the night making love as they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows and falls into a deep and happy sleep...

And is woken up by St Peter. "So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then," says St Peter "you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on". "Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell," says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.

The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulfurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks, and the sunshine???"

"Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted..."

1. What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?

Driving the zam-bony.

2. Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

3. Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?

Because he had nobody to dance with.

4. What do you call a skeleton with no friends?

Bonely.

5. What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?

A bone-zai.

6. Why can’t skeletons play church music?

Because they have no organs.

7. What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?

A numb-skull.

8. Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?

Because he didn’t have a funny bone.

9. What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?

Spare ribs.

10. How do French skeletons say hello?

“Bone-jour!”

11. What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?

A dead ringer.

12. Who won the skeleton beauty contest?

No body.

13. What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?

“You’re dead to me.”

14. Why didn’t the skeleton play football?

His heart wasn’t in it.

15. Why did the skeleton go to jail?

Because he was bad to the bone.

16. Why did the skeleton start a fight?

Because he had a bone to pick.

17. What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?

“Will you marrow me?”

18. When does a skeleton laugh?

When someone tickles his funny bone.

19. What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?

Lazy bones.

20. Why do skeletons hate the cold?

It sends chills up their spine.

21. What do you call a skeleton snake?

A rattler.

22. How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?

He could feel it in his bones.

23. Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?

He didn’t have the stomach for it.

24. What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire too long?

He became bone dry.

25. What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?

A skelevision.

26. What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?

It came back with a skeleton crew.

27. What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?

Bone china.

28. What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?

A scare-plane.

29. What does a skeleton fly in if his scare-plane isn’t available?

A skele-copter.

30. What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?

“Bone voyage!”

31. What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?

Jawbreakers.

32. What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?

Nothing. It goes right through them.

33. Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?

Because he didn’t have the guts.

34. What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?

A trom-bone.

35. What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?

A sax-a-bone.

36. What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?

A spine-tingler.

37. Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?

Because a dog was after his bones!

38. Who is the most famous French skeleton?

Napolean Bone-aparte.

39. What did the skeleton say to the vampire?

“You suck.”

40. Who is the most famous skeleton detective?

Sherlock Bones.

41. What did the doctor say to the skeleton who had a temperature of 103 degrees?

“Looks like you are running a femur.”

42. What’s a skeleton’s favorite rock band?

The Grateful Dead.

43. What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?

Carpals.

44. What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?

Bone Jovi.

45. Why did the skeleton go to the dance?

To see the boogie man.

46. What is half the diameter of a skeletal circle?

The radius.

47. Why did the skeleton student stay late at school?

He was boning up for his exam.

48. What do bony people use to get into their homes?

A skeleton key.

49. What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?

A hip-ster.

50. What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?

Take skelfies.

51. Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?

They couldn’t pin anything on him.

52. How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?

He could see right through him.

53. What Spanish food do skeletons enjoy most?

Patella.

54. What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?

“I’m bone to be wild!”

55. Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?

To have his ghoul bladder removed.

56. What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?

A fibula.

57. What did the skeleton say to his wife?

“I love every bone in your body.”

58. What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?

Cranium operator.

59. What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?

The living room.

60. How did skeletons send mail back in the olden days?

The Bony Express.

61. How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?

Skele-tons.

62. What type of art do skeletons like?

Skulltures!

63. What do skeletons complain about?

Aching bones.

64. Why do skeletons drink so much milk?

It’s good for the bones!

65. Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?

He wanted tibia star.

66. Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?

In the skelebin.

67. Why can’t skeletons fly over Area 51?

It’s a no-fly bone.

68. What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?

Elbow mac