Yours jokes

A pedophile and a little boy are walking into the woods late at night.

The little boy says, "I'm scared."

The pedophile says, "You think you're scared? I have to walk back alone!"

My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."

How do you stop your newspaper from flying away in the wind? -- Use a news anchor.

"How is your long distance relationship going?" -- "So far, so good."

What has a bottom at the top?

Your legs.

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

What do you say to your sister when she's crying? -- "Are you having a crisis?"

How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?

Take a flute and shove it up your ass.

Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Because you're super annoying and won't shut up.

What's Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom? -- How I bought your mother.

A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"

The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.

"Son, I found a condom in your room."

"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"

"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"

"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

Your mom sings "It's the Final Countdown" while pooping.

Your mom laughs at your father, because he has an ugly wife.

Your mom finds a mirror on the scrapyard and says, "I would have thrown away a picture like that, too!"

What's the number one pick up line at a gay bar?

"May I push your stool in?"