Yours jokes

You're fat. Don't sugar coat it because you would probably eat that, too.

When I was watching my daughter at the park earlier, another parent asked a man, "Which one is yours?" and he replied, "I'm still choosing." She looked horrified.

A man who drinks a lot is told by his wife that if he ever gets drunk again she will leave him.

Later, the man goes to a pub and drinks a lot and throws up all down his jacket. 'Oh no,' he says to his friend, 'if I go home like this again, my wife will leave me.' 'Don't worry,' his friend says. 'Put a £20 note in your jacket pocket. When your wife challenges you, produce the money and say another man threw up on you and gave you the £20 note for the dry cleaning.' 'Brilliant!' the man says and goes home. He walks through his front door and his wife sees him. She is furious. 'No no,' the man says, producing the money from his inside pocket. 'A man threw up on me and gave me £20 for the dry cleaning.' 'What's the other £20 note for?' asks his wife. 'Ah, that's from the man who shat in my pants.....'

You're so poor you wash paper plates.

How do you save your wife from drowning?

Take your foot off her neck.

Why can't you eat cereal?

Because your dad never came back from getting the milk!

You're so fat your ass has 2 zip codes.

Boy: "Mister, can I get candy?"

Mister: No, you shit head.

Boy: Why? :(

Mister: Because I'm not your dad.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium and you’re being a respectful friend.

But do it at home and you’re destroying evidence.

If your hot dog taste like a piece of wood, who you gonna call?

GHOST MUSTERD

If your hot dog tastes like a piece of wood, who are you going to call?

"Ghost Musterd."

My Grandma, like any other, got an APPLE IPHONE 12, but as we all know, we get dumb, and so we buy a phone. My grandma did not even know how to use it. She even said, "How do I go on Google?" I told her, "YOU CAN'T!" My grandma was, like, "Yeah right, how do I do it?"

Comment down below, does your grandma do this?

My son said that bully needs a pounding, then I say, "Yeah, right, that is what I said and did to your mother." My son opens his mouth and freezes. I guess he knew what I was talking about.

How do you know your sister is on her period? Your dad's c**k tastes like s**t!

So, an orphan walked into a store. He gets lost and the store clerk asked, "Do you need help finding your parent?" and the orphan ran out crying.

DAD: I'm bringing your toys to the orphanage.

SON: Why?

DAD: You're going to need them.

Why did you put your dirty ass feet in my grits without telling me all this?

Because I forgot to wash and dry them with a paper towel.

I just had a birthday party last week at my crib. I invited two fine, beautiful looking women. One was skinny and her name was Kelly, and the other one was overweight and her name was Chiquita.

Both of them came by. I told Chiquita only Kelly can stay and enjoy my birthday. You can't, you're too fat and clumsy, and I don't have any food or drinks for you, so see ya later, nutty professor.

Every time I come in the kitchen, my girl is in the kitchen in the damn refrigerator eating all the food, like the fried chicken, the mashed potatoes, the collard greens, mac and cheese, and the cornbread.

Then I said I wanna eat some of that shit. I love soul food. Then I told her, "You keep it up; your fat ass is going to be big like the house on Haunted Hill."

Knock knock.

Who's there? It's the Grim Reaper.

Grim Reaper who?

The Grim Reaper who is about to come in your house, smoke some weed, drink some Grim Reaper liquor, and then get drunk.