You're jokes
Grandma: When we go to a wedding, whispers, "You're next."
At a funeral, I whisper, "You're next."
What do parents tell little boys to make them behave?
"Be good, or when you're asleep, Michael Jackson will get you!"
What’s the difference between a baby and a beet? Beets stain your teeth.
Your hairline is dancing umlando.
How do you know you're following a DeLorean? The white line disappears.
Your hairline is still missing, even Dora can’t explore it!
Mommy, Mommy, are you an archer?
"Shut up and keep the apple on your head still."
What is the difference between your new teacher and a train?
Your teacher says, "Spit out your gum," but a train says, "Choo Choo!"
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I need your peach, and I'll torture you with a speech.
When you're a terrorist and you have a stutter.
A a a a a a a a ala ala ala ala ala alaog alaogbar.
Emo girls be like: How much am I worth...
Girl, scan the code on your wrist!
Sister: You're so stupid.
Me: Calling me stupid doesn't make you any smarter!
- Dude, what is your favorite rapper?
- He is very cold-blooded.
- Why?
- He is Ice Cube.
Me: Are you an alien?
Friend: No.
Me: Yeah, because you're too ugly to be one.
Hookers are like drive-thrus; you tell them what you want, pay for your stuff, and leave.
Your hairline so far back.
Even LeBron James had a good laugh!
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
Your mamma so fat Thanos had to clap 4 times.
My Indian wife said last night if her fanny would taste like vindaloo curry, I said I've smelt your fucking armpits, you've got no chance.
Louis Armstrong and Tork Poettschke go for a walk.
One says to the other, "My wife always says that icke is no worse than the other men."
"How many men does your wife have?"