You jokes

You can only say "Kobe" now when you're playing flight simulator.

You're so fat, you drank an invisibility potion, and everyone could still see you!

Your mamma so fat, Thanos clapped 4 times.

What do you call angry midgets?

Short-tempered.

My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"

The police gave you a fine for not fixing your ugly hairline.

Cars are like bullets; you jump in front of one, and they solve all your problems.

You ever look back at your ex and are like, "Wow! What was I thinking?"

Then I start to think I was the problem :(

Just kidding, fuck that asshole!

What do you call an Irish lesbian? A Gaelic

Something you can say about your furniture, but not your partner: "Those legs sure hold a lot of weight."

What do you find at the end of a rainbow?

Answer: W.

For Charlie D'Amelio fans, my basement is your home now. Leave a like if you agree with me.

What do you call two Hispanics with Parkinson's disease?

Maracas.

What happens when you have dry elbows at work?

You don't have any elbow grease to put into it.

A Russian walked into a bar... Unlucky for him I guess, in Soviet Russia, you don’t walk into bars. Bars walk into you.

How do you anger a Libertarian?

Don't tell him the truth.

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving, just to go skydiving twice.

Peter: *curses* Sam: Wow, do you kiss your mother with that mouth? Peter: Ha, joke’s on you! I don’t have a mother.

Tony, having a heart attack: ASFJDHJWNSGREGEJDHFWVWHUSYSG PETER, WE TALKED ABOUT THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, "That's the fourth time you've gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn't it embarrass you?"

"Why should it?" answered her spouse. "I keep telling them it's for you."

"What do you call a person who is afraid of Santa Claus?"

"Claustrophobic!"