You jokes

Are you depression? 'Cause you're always on my mind~

Your forehead is so big that you dream in 4K.

When you send her a dick pic, but then she sends you one right back...

Officer sees a man and he is seeing he is having trouble walking, so he asked him, "Sir, are you drunk?" The man responds, "No, sir, I'm not drunk." So the officer asks, "How high are you?" And the man responds, "No sir, it's 'Hi, how are you?'"

A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."

You're like a cloud. When you go away, it's a beautiful day.

Depression is like therapy; the more you see it, the more you get used to it.

My mom told me to take out the trash, but I couldn't find you.

Father: "Son, you were adopted."

Son: "What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"

Father: "We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes."

Science flies you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.

A man walks into a bar. He takes a seat and asks the barman if he wanted to hear a blonde joke. The barman replies, "Before you tell this joke, I want to tell you something. See the woman over there? She is a black belt in karate, she's blonde. See the bouncer over there? He is also a blonde. See the chick over there with that pool cue? She is also blonde. Also, I have a shotgun behind the bar. I'm blonde. So do you still want to tell your joke?" He replies, "F**k that. I ain't explaining the joke 4 times."

If you push someone that's bullying, if you kill someone that's murder, if there is no evidence it's nothing.

How do you get an emo out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

Did you know the pool in the Titanic is still full?

What do you call a blind dinosaur? Do-you-think-he-saurus.

Woah man, you need to take a step back. Your hairline did, so I am sure you can.

Heterosexual sodomy is like religion. If you were forced to accept it when you were younger, you probably would not like it when you become an adult.

What do you call a man off the ground?

Hanged.

My family is like treasure. You need a shovel and a map to find them.

I'd hit you, but I don't want to go to jail for animal abuse.