You jokes

Teacher: Kids, what does a chicken give you?

Students: Eggs.

Teacher: Very good. Now, what does the pig give you?

Kids: Bacon.

Teacher: Excellent. Now, what does the fat cow give you?

Kids: Homework.

How do you throw a surprise party at a hospital?

Bring a strobe light into the epilepsy ward.

What do you call an Asian receptionist?

Tai Ping.

The other day my friend messaged me saying, "bro I have two pieces of bad news for you." I told him to combine them. He replied with, "your girlfriend is cheating on both of us."

If being ugly was a crime, you would get a life sentence.

What do you call a disabled Asian?

Sum Ting Wong.

What is the difference between giving money to a prostitute and giving money to a church? A prostitute won't tell you that it is more blessed to give than it is to receive.

Like it if you judge people's hairlines.

best friend makes 9/11 joke.

you: "hey, my dad was inside the tower."

best friend: "I'm sorry."

you: "I always knew he was a great pilot."

I’m not saying you’re going bald, but you’ll find Waldo before you find your hairline.

A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, "WHO THE F*** F***ED MY WIFE!" A man in the back responds, "YOU AIN'T GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!"

Teacher: Kids, what are some things you have that make you happy? Kid 1: I have my family to make me happy. Kid 2: I have my friends to make me happy. Teacher: What about you, Sean? Sean: I have to take pills to make me happy...

I was gonna roast you about your chin, but I didn't know which one to talk about.

I'll always remember my dad's last words... "Why do you have an axe? We live in the city!"

I told my girlfriend that the world is flat.

She said, "but the world is round."

I said, babe, you are my world.

How do you make it hard for a rapist who is trying to rape you? Rub it.

Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.

It's ironic that the more other people love you, the more you hate yourself.

We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read, "It's a bumpy road but soon you will have a straight path." People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor.

A teacher asks a boy in her class, "If 3 birds are sitting on a fence, and one is shot, how many are left?" The boy responds with, "None." The teacher asks why. "They would all fly away after hearing the gunshot." The teacher says, "The answer is 2, but I like the way you think."

Later, the boy asks the teacher, "3 women walk out of an ice cream shop. One is eating with a spoon, one is licking it, and one is sucking it. Which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking it." The boy says, "No, the one wearing the ring, but I like the way you think."